I have a running group-chat with several of my single female friends, where we daily update each other on our sexual and romantic exploits and share the funny texts, photos, and Tinder exchanges we have with men. It’s a daily source of hilarity and an unvarnished view of the jungle that is modern dating.
It also makes me incredibly annoyed at certain common female behavior. While I love my girls, they all engage in certain conduct with men that drives me insane. In this group, I’m known as the “level-headed” one – the one who’s relatively logical and not as emotional or “girly”. I look feminine but I get told all the time that I think like a dude. This means I get along easily with men and don’t have a lot of problems or drama in my love life. But it also means I sometimes get frustrated with my lady friends when they engage in self-defeating, hypocritical, or just plain irritating behavior with men. As a woman, I don’t like it when my fellow females act in ways that give us all a bad name. So here, without further ado, here is KryptoKate’s list of seven annoying things that women do to screw it up with men:
1. Claiming to want equality while expecting men to pay
This is a giant pet peeve. Look ladies, you have a choice: either you can require that men pay your way and expect men to contribute more financially than you, or you can be equal. You can’t have it both ways. If you want men to pay, that’s fine and it’s your prerogative. But don’t then turn around and claim to be independent or equal to men. This goes for everything where you expect a man to pay all or more than you: dinners, vacations, engagement rings. If he’s paying and you’re not, you’re selling him something. Please be honest with yourself about what that is.
2. Taking constant selfies
A selfie now and then, because you want to capture a really cool event or place you’ve been, or to show something funny, or just because your man wants one, is fine. Taking and posting daily selfies to Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook is not. Men will see it for exactly what it is: a narcissistic bid for attention and compliments. Try aiming the camera at something other than yourself sometime.
3. Chasing men
It’s a law of nature that when an animal is chased, it will run away. This applies to men and women as well. There is no reason, ever, to pursue or continually contact someone who has shown lack of interest. If he doesn’t respond to your texts, don’t keep texting him or calling him. God forbid don’t try to corner him in person to force him to interact with you. If a man is interested in you, he will show it by giving you his attention and time. If he is not, it means he isn’t interested, and pursuing him further is not going to change that. Move on.
4. Acting entitled to monogamous commitment
I do not advocate acting like a doormat or allowing anyone to treat you poorly. You should not put up with a man who is truly treating you with disrespect or thoughtlessly.
However, “treating you with respect” is not the same thing as committing to be monogamous with you. You are not entitled to any man’s commitment, and you are not entitled to monogamy. He might choose to do sleep only with you but he is not required to do so. This is regardless of how much you like him, or how long you’ve been sleeping together, or how much time you spend together or how much you’ve invested in him. If he does not want to be monogamous or make a commitment to you, that is his choice, and it doesn’t make him an asshole, a commitment-phobe, fucked-up, or disrespectful. It just makes him a guy that doesn’t want to be monogamous with you. And you’re perfectly free to decide whether or not to keep seeing him. Do not assume that just because you want something means you’re entitled to it or that you’re justified in demanding it. You can ask, but you can’t demand.
5. Demanding “we need to talk”
First of all, never use that phrase. The only reaction a reasonable person can have to hearing “we need to talk” is dread. It never means anything good. If a man said “we need to talk” to me, I would be trying to find ways to avoid him. It’s a terrible phrase and it’s pushy and demanding as well – I don’t need to do anything, and neither does he.
Second, it’s often both unnecessary and unhelpful to “talk” about everything in a relationship. Most of the time, “talking” does not communicate anything both people don’t already know. Despite the modern-day worship of “communication”, what the person demanding to “talk” is usually doing is trying to negotiate for more power in the relationship. People sense this deep down, even if they don’t realize it consciously, which is why many people dread hearing the phrase “we need to talk.”
It’s also why “talking things out” rarely actually works, other than temporarily, to solve problems, whether the talking occurs in a therapist’s office or over the dinner table. Most relationship issues are rather simple and can be communicated simply without needing a big, long talk: I want you to change X, I want you to stop doing Y, I want you to Z. If someone needs an hour to explain themselves, it’s because they want to frame things in their favor to manipulate the other person, not because it’s actually complicated.
6. Overplaying the sympathy card
You know what I’m talking about ladies. Sympathy is often the first ploy a woman turns to when she’s not getting her way, she wants something, or she’s been caught doing something she shouldn’t. And that’s because it’s often effective. Most people can’t stand to be guilt-tripped and will capitulate to tears. But don’t be the girl who cried wolf. People will eventually get skeptical and sick of sob stories. People respect accountability, and using victimhood to play on people’s sympathy will eventually erode respect and your credibility.
7. Failing to handle their liquor
I love to drink. I like to get drunk and have wild nights. You can pry my drink of choice out of my cold, dead hands. But I handle my liquor. I do not vomit, slur my words, fall down, start fights, cry, embarrass myself, black out, send embarrassing texts, or do things that I later regret. And I’m damn sick of having to babysit my drunk friends who can’t handle their alcohol! There is nothing more unattractive than a sloppy drunk girl. And making someone babysit your drunk ass is completely rude and unacceptable – now you’re not just ruining your own night, you’re ruining their night too. Learn how to handle alcohol like an adult, or refrain from drinking entirely.