Reader Q&A – Friend With Benefits Relationship


By Hitori


Terra writes:

 I am currently in a fb relationship in which both of us are in relationships. We have had sex 3 times since November, and do not communicate outside of scheduling our next meeting. We always meet in a hotel and he pays for it. We have a couple drinks, have awesome sex, drink some more and talk about stuff that has happened since we last met, have sex again and then part ways until one of us sends an invitation.

I want to talk to him in between, but don’t want to come off as needy or clingy so I don’t pursue him as I truly do like him. I have this thought in my head that we should meet more than that or at least talk once on awhile, but am I wrong for thinking that considering the situation? Also, do you think I am just a object to him and not much else??


Here’s what I’m getting from you on this, this arrangement is working for you. I’m not hearing a woman who really *wants* more, just one who feels a little uncomfortable (or maybe uncertain) of whether she’s being valued appropriately. So, here’s what I’d suggest:

Don’t ask for more time or attention – that’s pointing this dude at one particular solution to how you’re feeling that isn’t even really what it sounds like you want. If you like him, there’s a good chance he likes you too – so it might make sense to just articulate how you feel:

“Hey, you know, this is cool, but I’m not used to being with someone and having it be purely physical and it’s making me feel a little weird. I’m not looking to complicate this, but I like feeling like if circumstances were different, you’d have liked just hanging out with me.”

Hopefully he’ll know what to say to that.

~ Hitori



  1. I just wanted to add that this reader says straight off that she is already in a relationship and so is this guy on the side. So if you already have a boyfriend, then why do you care if he sees you as just an object? I could see you feeling this way if your side guy was in a relationship and you were not. It sounds like her boyfriend isn’t meeting a lot of her needs. You also mention that you part ways until one of you sends an invitation for the next time. So then why can’t you just be the one to initiate and send him an invitation if you want to meet up more often? He probably doesn’t want to talk to you in between meet-ups; he’s got a girlfriend that he’s close with who is meeting those needs. I’ve had guys tell me that they can easily sleep with a girl they don’t like or have feelings for; it’s just sex and nothing more to them. I don’t think you are wrong for thinking any of this stuff of course! – we can’t help our feelings for other people.

  2. This is typical behavior from a man that is in a relationship with someone else. They don’t want to fuck up their relationship with their significant other and I think deliberately try to keep some emotional distance. So you asking for more time and attention may very well freak him out. To him this is probably the perfect “relationship”.
    If you are wanting him to be more invested, my best advice would be to give it your all when you are with him, then disappear when you are not and wait for him to initiate the next round. Maybe even find another man for the in between. When I say give it your all, I mean in regards to sex and affection and just having the best time you can while you are together.
    I’ve had a guy that was a fuck buddy for a couple of years, that I never suspected would be attached in any way, shape or form, start telling me how much he misses me, after he moved away. He NOW gets emotional about me, which is kind of weird since we don’t see one another any more.
    Others, surprise me with declarations of how much they missed me, or ask why don’t I ever contact them, when I haven’t heard from them for awhile. In fact, that happens a lot with married or otherwise attached men. When you DON’T allow yourself to get too focused on the outcome, sometimes they wonder why, because that’s typical for women, and it turns everything around on its head.
    The old adage that men fall in love with your absence and women with his presence, seems to ring true. It will also help you to focus on other things and try to put him out of your mind when you are not together. When you are you can feel free to make comments about how fun it would be to do something together- don’t directly ask for it, but leave the idea in his mind and he may surprise you.

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