Dating Older Men

By Greygirl


I have a confession. I’m attracted to older, sometimes much older men. From shifting in my seat in high school in front of the ex-football player History teacher to dating men in their 50s in my twenties. I’m sure a psychoanalyst would have a field day with the Freudian daddy issues inherent in this older man fetish.

I am unashamed to say that I am primarily attracted to power. And rarely does a younger man wield as much power and authority as a man decades older.

I remember reading Vladimir Nabokov’s “Lolita” in college and being vaguely turned on by the little girl/older man dynamic interwoven in Nabokov’s lyricism. This controversial book got me excited as I went to work on my paper with the French history professor.

I wore a low-cut pink shirt and jeans. I was 18 years old and he was probably in his mid-40s. He was a large Canadian man with a convincing presence.

The electricity in that stuffy office was palpable. As I dangled my leg and coyly smiled he spoke about Louis XIV. He was getting more and more worked up as he was trying to convince me to write my term paper on Madame Pompadour Louis XIV’s infamous mistress.

Needless to say I got a solid A in French history that semester.

The rules of dating an older man are: to accept the concessions and the terms which go along with the age disparity. The older man is/has been married in some instances and there is a level of emotional baggage that goes along with life experience. Ex-wives, children, mortgages, or a demanding career are things you should be prepared to take a backseat to and respect. Unless he is looking for his second or third wife there is unlikely to be long-term potential to the relationship because he doesn’t want to deal with a younger woman who doesn’t have her shit together. Also, most younger woman are lacking the emotional development to deal with the demands of an older man’s life. Bottom line: you are in different stages of life and that will be challenging.

The primary driving force behind the older man/younger woman dynamic is the power disparity and exaggerated sexual stereotypes. The innocence and youthful beauty of the woman juxtaposed against the waning virility and authority of the man. Each party is looking to scratch a “sexual itch” and in my opinion, it is rare that dating someone more than 15 years older evolves into something serious and sticks. I mean don’t pull a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson, okay? That’s just gross.

An older man is exciting because it goes against societal norms, however 50 year old guys naked look just like… 50 year old naked guys. Where you are gaining in wealth and wisdom you lose to gravity and aging. Not all older men, but some have a loss of muscle tone, health issues, and sexual stamina problems. He is not the stallion he was 20 years ago and the sex will reflect that.

I think every woman should a experience a much older man at least once. It is conducive to realizing how much power your beauty and presence holds over a seasoned man. You will learn a lot from him. And you will grow up in the process.




  1. Interesting. I can understand the attraction to power and I do have (some) daddy issues-ha. I haven’t personally been attracted to much older men than myself though. Older, yes, but not 15 years older.
    Especially when I was younger, but even now to some extent, I had a very real FEAR of much older men. Some of that may be because I had very abusive (not sexually, but physically) stepfathers. In any case, an older man flirting with me or touching me in any way always set off alarm bells. It used to bother my father in law- who was a nice guy, a pastor, and very huggy, that I would tense up whenever he hugged me but it was something I really couldn’t help.
    I’m curious why, if you like older men, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson are still “gross” to you though, lol? It all seems about equally “gross” to me…. 😉
    I can see enjoying being seen as even hotter by an older man, because to him you are more of a prize than you probably would be to a guy that is your own age and probably better looking. Like you said, the exaggerated differences could be a turn on.
    The guy I am the most turned on by in my life fits most of what you describe above, minus the “old”, lol. He’s rich, powerful and probably married. He’s my age though, hotttttt, in great health and has a ton of stamina. I’ll take that 😉

  2. Thanks Lovergirl! There’s certainly something to be said for stamina so I understand you not wanting to deal with the old farts in that department. As far as Courtney Stodden/Doug Hutchinson the reason I find them gross is because she was 16 when they got married which is a child basically and I think she is also mentally incapacitated to some extent (bring on on the internet hate) so I don’t feel like she was fully realizing what she was consenting to. Do I get feminist brownie points now or what? Jk

  3. I’ve recently come across this quote: “I want to date an old man so that I can watch him die”.

    When I was 19, I fell for a 34-year old and remained faithful to him for 2 years, though it was a long-distance relationship. At least I was young and dumb enough to believe it was a relationship and he and I would eventually be together. He was having sex with other women, of course. (I’m not bitter, just pointing out women at this age can be incredibly naive.)

    Now at 30, I find most men 15 and more years my senior less physically attractive. I am not excluding the possibility that I could fall in love with one, I don’t fall for looks only, but it’s much less likely. 6-8 year age difference currently feels most appropriate to me (him being older).

  4. Greygirl- Yeah, 16 year olds are still very emotionally immature and it is sickening to watch some older person try to manipulate that. I feel super uncomfortable with it and would feel the same about an older woman with a 16 year old boy. As far as them being together once they are both adults, well, it’s still kind of weird but not as offensive.
    K- yeah, I am 39 and the men in my life I am or have been most attracted to (and sleeping with) lately have been 40, 40, 39, 42, 36, 43 (but he looks way younger), you get the point. 😉 All pretty close in age to me. I won’t rule out way older men or way younger ones completely, but mostly I don’t find myself attracted.

  5. Great advice and insight! One appeal that I think older men have is that they have been around the block enough to know better when a woman is trying to flirt with him. He will also likely be more direct if he’s trying to show interest in you as well. Younger men are oblivious to female flirting cues and they are often too afraid to take a more direct approach. In other words, a woman will be more likely to not feel like she’s got to do all the leg work to get something going with an older man like she probably would with a younger one.

  6. Hey, I was just wondering, would you ladies ever be interested in taking submitted work from a reader as a guest writer?

  7. I personally had never dated an older man till my current husband. When I was 28 he approached me directly in a lounge. His directness and quiet strength was sexy. A week later I found out he was amazing in bed. We fell for each other quickly. He was smart and easy to talk to. Quickly my feelings grew and he became the most attractive man I had ever met. He could talk and had wise introspective views on every subject. We were a pair. I’d found the first man whoes really ever been able to carry intense conversation…intense travel…passionate sex…and an income and willingness to have my back no matter what. We are 23 years apart in age. If never had such a bond. As the years went by the age gap closed. We see each other as people…Not ages.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *