Convincing Men to Join Your Harem

By Lovergirl


Maybe you would like to have a bunch of men at your disposal for sex and fun, but you can’t figure out how on earth you would get them to agree to it. Wouldn’t most men balk at the idea? Men aren’t exactly known for their propensity to “share” a woman. How does anybody manage to pull this off?

While most men probably wouldn’t like the idea of being a part of a female’s “harem,” it is still possible to get one going for yourself. It’s actually a lot easier than you may think. Let me share with you a few of my basic principles and how I make this work for me.

1. If you don’t have a commitment from a man, you are NOT obligated to be sexually and emotionally faithful to him. Far too many women assume the expectation to be his alone, when the man has not promised them anything. No ring on your finger? No promise from him not to see other women? You are SINGLE. You can do whatever the hell you want. He doesn’t own you or have any say in what you choose to do. Actually, the mere fact that he HASN’T taken any steps to ensure that you both are committed, means that he has some reservations about being so himself. Remember this.

2. Beware of saying too much. There is absolutely no reason to mention the other men in your life, unless he ASKS. Many men won’t ask. You know why? Because they are secretly happy you aren’t asking THEM questions. They’re thinking, “This is great, I can get away with seeing multiple women and this one won’t even bother me about it.”

3. You know what that means right? You DON’T ask too many questions. If he wants to tell you things about his personal life, great, but definitely don’t ask him if he’s sleeping with other women or what he is doing when you aren’t around. It doesn’t matter. Getting all involved in each other’s business is for committed relationships only, at least until someone is a good, solid, long term fuck buddy and you know you both can handle it. Discussing other people tends to provoke jealousy, in both men and women. Avoid the drama!

4. Avoid, if you can, adding him on social media. Unless he asks YOU, don’t Facebook friend request him. I don’t turn down guys who ask, because I’m not trying to hurt feelings, but the more guys you can keep off your friends list, the better. It’s just asking for trouble. Many men, again, are secretly happy you don’t ask them about it and won’t say a thing.

5. Be careful of what you put out there! If you tell all your girlfriends everything about who you are sleeping with, or make a public post every time something goes wrong, itโ€™s all going to fall apart quickly. Discretion, discretion, discretion! Don’t complain about your man problems or brag about them to others. If you must, talk about it here, or on a relationship forum somewhere online, anonymously. Write in a journal, or hell, start a blog, like me! In real life you are going to have to be somewhat mysterious. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about everything else in your life, but be careful what you say about your men. Don’t kiss and tell.

6. What about when men do ask you about other men in your life? Be vague. Only share the minimal amount of information he asks about. Don’t offer to tell him more. Now, sometimes men will demand to know everything, and then you have to make a judgment call. Ask him questions, like “why do you want to know, are you wanting to make some kind of a commitment?” and take into account his response. If he ISN’T he will probably back down.

7. What if he DOES want a commitment? Well, then you are faced with a decision. You can agree, to BOTH drop any other involvements in your life, if that’s what you want. OR you can say “I don’t feel ready to be that serious yet”. If he tries to get you to commit to him, but he’s not making any promises to YOU, don’t fall for it. MANY men will do this “I don’t want you sleeping with any other men” for whatever reason they give, but refuse to make a promise to you. It’s a trap! Watch out!!

8. What about promises made during sex? They DON’T COUNT, lol. Anything said in bed is null and void if not promised outside of the bedroom. I say this because men will often try to manipulate that way. They know they don’t want to commit, and that you aren’t agreeing to anything, so they will make you say you won’t fuck anyone else, when they are inside of you. Agree to anything you want when things are hot and heavy in bed, but consider it fantasy.

9. I’ve had men say things like “we don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I just don’t want you sleeping with any other men” or “I don’t want to marry you, I just don’t want you fucking other guys”. Well, tough. If you don’t want a commitment, you don’t get one from me! That’s totally fair. I usually don’t argue, just blow it off without making a promise. You don’t have to lie, just don’t give your word.

10. Maybe this all sounds deceptive, but itโ€™s really not. Men understand because this is how they operate. If they haven’t given a promise or their word, they don’t consider it “cheating”. You should never assume monogamy with someone who hasn’t made a verbal commitment. That is why weddings exist! People had to make a public promise for it to really mean anything, in a man’s world.

In short, the less they know the better. That doesn’t mean you are a liar, I really hope you are not. I try to operate honestly but within a “don’t ask, don’t tell” framework. I find it to be the easiest way to avoid drama and issues, because men are territorial creatures. If you reveal too much you risk anger, jealousy, and possessiveness. This way they know you aren’t committed and they may suspect, but they don’t have something concrete to get upset about. Plus if they do “catch” you, there is nothing they can do, you never promised them anything and they know it!

How do you get them to agree to be part of your harem? You don’t. They just have to deal, unless they make a real effort to secure a commitment from you. If feelings develop, that is possible, and then you will be free to make a choice as to whether that is what you want or if it is time to let them go.




  1. You just need to find guys like myself that are a more “unfenced” type and not jealous. I really don’t care what girls in my “harem” are doing when not with me. I have my own life to live and don’t waste time worrying about it. You are free to do as you please-I don’t own you, nor you me. As long as it goes both ways, I have no issues. I prefer these arrangements to the traditional kind anyway. I do realize most men are very possessive-it’s in our DNA and takes time to work past. Mate guarding was needed back in the caveman days but serves little purpose now other than creating drama.

  2. This is really useful and effective advice. One thing I might add for women is keeping a harem is to be careful not to get involved with men you might fall for. Be sure that these men are nice enough, pleasant, and make good company, but regularly make sure you don’t care about what he’s doing when he’s not with you.

  3. @LoverGirl
    All seems fair and reasonable to me.
    Terrible advice. Telling someone they should not date the people they are most interested in (and therefore most likely to fall for) is the exact opposite of what they should do. This is about your own point of view and keeping your own ego and emotions in check. What LoverGirl is saying is that what is good for the goose is good for the gander if a women wants to date more than one guy at a time. In fact, and LoverGirl correct me if I am wrong, you are sort of saying that keep multiple guys in your harem until “the cream rises to the top” if you will can be an effective strategy to find the guy you might want to date exclusively for a while.

  4. All very good advice.

    Especially number 5. I find it very easy to be mysterious, elusive, and private about myself, but I swear that other people and their need to document everything about their lives are going to ruin MY life. Managing *other people’s* social media posts about you is virtually impossible if you ever leave the house. I’m not the type who wants anyone to know what I’m doing, ever. But I have friends who insist on documenting, sharing, and (I guess??) bragging about every daily event. Which means if I’m there, I’m on their social media. I have had to threaten to break off friendships and unfriend people who tag me in posts or photos — but of course, even if you don’t have social media yourself, you can still end up in other people’s public photos. I hate it.

    As far as blowing off guy’s desire for (your) sexual exclusivity, I find that just like with women, it’s really a matter of how relatively “in demand” a guy is and how much he’ll expect. I NEVER bring up “relationshipey” stuff and always change the subject, don’t respond, or blow off questions that tread in that direction. A guy who knows he’s lucky to even be with you with back off and not bring it up again. But top guys won’t put up with it and won’t fuck you if they think you’re fucking someone else too. It’s not that different from women IMO.

    I keep hearing online about guys like BD or Dawson who are truly okay with their woman having other guys, and maybe it happens in some large cities where the abundance of options truly frees people from scarcity mentality, but I haven’t personally met anyone like that and it’s probably pretty rare. The biggest issue people have to get over is their ego, which isn’t easy. I swear most people don’t actually enjoy committed monogamy, but they prefer it to the ego-blow of feeling like they haven’t “achieved” locking someone down.

    Promises during sex don’t count — lol. Love that one.

  5. CrabRangoon- There are guys like that, but they are rare and are usually in a long term relationship with someone else. :p So you can’t really bank on just filling up your harem with that type. I do know a couple of them. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Ashley- Thank you! I know what you mean about watching your level of investment if you are not wanting to get attached and possibly hurt. This is much easier when you KNOW there is no chance of it going anywhere, even if the guy is really great. Even if he IS one you would fall for its probably good advice to try NOT to think about what he is doing when you are not together!

  7. Dawson- Yes, I am saying that. Let the cream rise to the top ๐Ÿ˜‰ Why does that sound so dirty when I say it?? Haha Anyway, getting involved with guys you might fall for is GREAT if they want the same thing. If they don’t it can end up in a very painful situation, so I get what Ashley is saying. Of course you want to pick guys you like, but you have to make sure your level of investment is not more than theirs. Basically, keep tabs on your heart and your expectations.

  8. KryptoKate-
    Thank you! I have my Facebook set to where if someone tags me in something I have to approve it before it shows up on my timeline. That helps some! You’ll still show up on their page of course. I feel like its polite etiquette to ask someone before posting a picture of them when you are out together, but not everyone does!
    Where I would disagree is about “top” guys. Most times they are fucking other people too so he’s not in a place to demand exclusivity and even though he may WANT it, he knows better than to look stupid arguing about it when he’s not willing to give it himself. I’ve never come across a guy who wouldn’t fuck me because I was fucking someone else. Ever. Lol Maybe because their competitive nature makes them want to come out on top (hee) .
    The men who are truly okay with it ARE rare but they can be found. Usually though they are in a relationship with someone else or fucking other people regularly and that is why they are okay with and can handle it. The swinger community has a few of them or maybe if you snag yourself a traveling businessman that is probably married….lol

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