Today I want to talk about the importance of developing outcome independence if you want to be successful with men.
If you do any reading in the “manosphere,” you will read a lot about outcome independence, which basically means not giving a fuck. In the dating context, being outcome independent means that one is not emotionally attached to the outcome of the dating. Instead, one simply enjoys the date in the moment, and doesn’t worry about whether or not it turns into something more, what the date thinks of you, whether or not sex or a relationship results, or anything else.
According to the experts in the manosphere, outcome independence is extremely important for being successful with women. They’re right about that, though not exactly for the right reason. According to these guys, being outcome independent shows that a man has an outlook of abundance and lots of options, which are cues for a man being a desirable alpha male, and that’s what women want. In other words, a guy who doesn’t care whether or not he gets a second date with you is a guy who’s got so many options that you didn’t even warrant his notice, a top alpha male, and women swoon over that. In contrast, a guy who gets butthurt that you didn’t text him back is showing that he must be a loser because he cares too much.
That explanation is part of the story, but only a minor part. Being outcome independent is in fact an indirect cue of power and options, since someone with an abundance of good options is less likely to be too emotionally tied to any given outcome with a particular date. But it’s still an indirect cue and a proxy for high SMV, which isn’t nearly as powerful as the many direct cues a woman will pick up on. Most women will immediately see through a low SMV guy who is just pretending to be outcome independent in order to ape being an alpha, and most women can rather easily peg how desirable a guy is without this kind of display.
The bigger proof that the theory behind this phenomenon is wrong is because outcome independence not only works for women, but it works EVEN MORE than it does when a man is outcome independent. So here the theory breaks down because guys aren’t supposed to care about how powerful or “alpha” a woman is. Yet there is no single factor that will motivate a man to fall in love or pursue you more, after looking sexy, than being outcome independent.
So why is it so important? Being perceived as being in demand and having lots of options, as described above, is part of it. But the bigger reason is that if you are outcome independent, you drastically change the balance of potential rewards and risks that a man perceives in getting involved in you. It will strongly tilt the balance in the favor or reward rather than detriment, he will feel much safer and more comfortable getting to know you, and he will be much more prone to falling in love.
This is something I stumbled into unintentionally. It wasn’t a put-on or a ploy. I just happen to have a rather detached, avoidant personality for a woman. I don’t get emotionally attached to a guy just because I have sex with him, I don’t long for a relationship, and I virtually always desire less time together and commitment than the guy does. Why I am like this doesn’t really matter…chalk it up to the ego-busting effects of taking psychedelics in high school or simply being an inborne temperament. The point is, I know for a fact that NOT caring about whether or not a serious relationship results is one of the most effective ways for a guy to fall for you (again, after looks, which always reign supreme).
Here’s why: because getting sexually involved with a woman is a huge risk for a man. If a man puts his penis in a woman without immediately wanting a relationship with her, he is actually risking ALLLLL kinds of trouble…rape accusations, tears, guilt, social pressure, angry phone calls and texts, crazy behavior and emotional manipulation, accidentally-on-purpose pregnancies, being socially ostracized for being a jerk or a player, even physical threats from the girl’s male friends and family. I mean seriously, think about it as a woman…would you ever want to deal with that shit? I wouldn’t. The fact that men continue to put their penis into women at all is a testament to just how strong their sex drive is, that they risk all that. Men regularly sacrifice their long-term peace and happiness for the sake of sex (which women of course know and exploit).
The point is, your average woman presents a man with both rewards (fun, sex, good times) and risk (guilt, shame, emotional drama, arguing). He weighs these in deciding to get involved. And since he wants to avoid the latter, he usually limits the time he spends and how involved he’ll get, because he wants to maximize the rewards and limit the risks. He can’t do anything that might let her think he’s her boyfriend because then he’ll have to deal with her tears and drama when he doesn’t act like a boyfriend. He can’t be too nice or cuddly or she’ll start expecting commitment. Etc.
And this is where outcome independence changes the equation fundamentally. Because a women who is truly outcome independent and does not care if a relationship results or whether they continue to have sex is offering a man reward with no risk. He doesn’t need to worry about getting drama or tears because he isn’t going to get it – she doesn’t give a fuck. He can relax. He can spend time with her, get to know her, cuddle with her, sleep over, and do all those things (which men like too!) without worrying she’s going to start demanding he put a ring on it. It totally relieves the pressure. And because there’s no pressure, he’s free to fall in love.
In fact, he will soon start wondering WHY she doesn’t give a fuck. How come she still doesn’t care, even though he’s been fucking her for six months? Does she ever even think about him when he isn’t there? Would she even care if they broke up? Doesn’t she ever cry? He will become obsessed with getting her to be emotionally attached to him and getting her to care more than he does. Getting her to want a relationship with him will become his goal and focus. He’ll feel like if he could just get her to care and commit to him, he will have won a super rare and super valuable prize.
I’m telling you ladies, it works like a charm every goddamn time. Even though I truly don’t do it on purpose. But if you can pull it off, you will have men trying to lock you down and proposing to you and pushing for commitment left and right.
So that’s the big picture: by laying off the pressure, you present yourself as all pleasure and no pain, and it lets a man relax, enjoy you, get to know you, and grow increasingly attached to you. It takes away all the things he’s trying to avoid and lets him focus on all the positive things about you. And that’s what allows love to flourish. He will see you beneficial to his life, not a potential liability.
The harder problem is HOW to genuinely achieve outcome independence rather than just faking it. Because while most girls will play it cool for a few weeks, it’s ultimately an act that guys will easily see through, and he’ll be scared away once she subtly (or overtly) starts pushing for a relationship as time goes on. How to achieve true I-don’t-give-a-fuck outcome independence deserves its own article and may require rather extreme tactics that many of you may not be willing to engage in, like hallucinogenic drugs :). But until then, you can at least fake it till you make it.
There’s a paradox here because one might want to be outcome independent in order to successfully secure a relationship with the guy they want, because one wants that so badly. But in becoming truly outcome independent, one will acquire the opportunity for that relationship but will no longer truly want (or at least care) about it. It’s just one of life’s many cosmic jokes.