The Case For Multiple Men



by Lovergirl

Lovergirl

Why would a woman choose to engage in sex with multiple partners? I’m sure your mother, everyone else and their brother, can give you the reasons why NOT.  So could I, to be honest. Like anything else in life it comes with its own set of risks. We are all way too aware of many of them.

What’s funny, is that rarely do we see the other side of the spectrum. Hardly anyone wants to admit that there might actually be BENEFITS to having lots of friends with benefits! Never fear, Dr. Lovergirl is here, with a little alternative medicine that might actually be good for your mental health!

Just clear your mind for a minute and forget about all of society’s scare tactics.  Let all your fears and anxieties melt away. Yes, I know you are afraid of getting emotionally attached, being judged by others, and especially of how men might treat you. Those are all real and legitimate concerns, but remember, there is someone in control here and it’s not “others”, it’s YOU.

What information you share with other people and what type of treatment you accept from men is entirely up to you to decide. Emotional attachments happen to the best of us, and even to men. They often take us by surprise, yet here’s the catch…having a bevy of men to fall back on can actually HELP to deal with those difficult emotions!

You know its going to happen, right? If you are human, and especially if you are female, you are probably going to develop feelings for some or all of the men you have sex with. I’m not going to lie, nor am I going to tell you that it’s something you necessarily need to avoid. What I will say, is that is exactly why it’s great to have some of those other men around. Because if you fall hard for a guy and are stuck solely on him, it can be a hell of a lot harder to get past when things go south or he doesn’t feel the same way.

So that’s reason #1. With a harem of men at your beck and call, there is always someone to come and rescue a damsel in distress over a distressing relationship. Men LOVE to play the hero and comforter when a boyfriend’s gone bad. They are all too happy to have you cum over again and again to “feel better.”  (See how I did that? 😉 )

Reason #2- What to do on a Saturday night? Or Monday morning? Or maybe Tuesday over your lunch break? Or you know, whenever you have a moment of free time on your schedule.  Hummmm…scroll down the list of guys who have texted wanting you to come over today and pick one! Guaranteed there is almost always SOMEONE! We have it way easier than men in that regard because they are usually the ones pushing to set something up. Even if the guy you’ve been daydreaming about hasn’t bothered, you can hit him up and if he’s busy, there’s always a backup!

Reason #3- It helps you to be pickier about men and how they treat you. If one of them isn’t doing you right, it’s a lot easier to drop him than if you have to worry about being alone and without sex and human connection for awhile. It can actually RAISE your standards, as well as push men to be on better behavior. Even if they DON’T know you are seeing other men, they will feel in your vibe how easy it is to let them go and that forces them to step up their game. Incidentally, this works the same way in the bedroom. Men are ultra competitive by nature and knowing or “feeling” there might be another guy in the mix makes them work all that much harder (hee, “harder”).

Reason #4- Speaking of sex, being with multiple men allows you to get multiple needs met at the same time. Met a great guy in so many ways, but for some reason he never goes down on you? It’s just a tad bit more tolerable when you can go home and call the man who does it like a champ!  Then there’s that guy who’s great in bed but never takes you out to do anything fun? No worries! There is another great guy behind him who is happy to treat you to dinner, maybe he’s lacking in some other way but that’s okay because you are getting it from every direction and every angle already!! 😉

Reason #5- Variety is not only the spice of life, it’s also a great teacher. Experiencing sex and intimacy with different men, helps YOU to become a better lover. People talk about how complex and different women are in their sexual needs, but they rarely mention that the same is true for men. The type of blowjob that works for one, may not work for another. Some men want you to say, lick their nipple as they are thrusting to help bring them to climax. Another guy hates it. Some want total submission and others expect a more active role from you. Learning the different sexual needs of men is eye opening and helps give you ideas for the next one too!

Reason #6- While you are learning all these different men’s sexual styles, you are also learning about your own! Some men will push boundaries that others won’t and each one shows you a little more about what you like and don’t like. Knowing your own body and what feels good, is a wonderful type of self discovery. It helps you to enjoy sex more overall.

Reason #7- It’s good for your ego.  Knowing and seeing that a bunch of men find you sexy and beautiful and FEELING it in their constant desire for you is a real confidence booster. To think that once upon a time I was just SURE that no man would ever want me again after my ex-husband, because I’d had children and thought my body was less than perfect. So many men since have made me feel like an absolute goddess naked! If some man IS critical then it will be so much easier to just move on past it.

Reason #8- You don’t have to put on a facade. At least with some of the men, the cool ones who are okay with you sleeping with others (you should have at least one, maybe a couple of those) you can express your honest desires without fear of running him off…because if they do run off it’s really not such a big deal (see reason #1). Plus, they are more likely to show you THEIR real thoughts and feelings when their guard and need to impress is dropped. Sometimes that can be really helpful in understanding the men you DO fall in love with.

Reason #9- It’s time efficient. Well, it can be. Sometimes serious relationships can eat up all your time and emotional energy. Someone you can call in a jiffy for a quickie can be a lifesaver when you feel like you have no time to devote to the work of an actual committed relationship and just want to get laid!! You do have to be careful to keep a balance because more men can equal a lot of pressure to meet up all the time, but if you play your cards right it can be LESS stressful.

Reason #10-  It helps YOU to be a better woman with all of them! You are less needy, less anxious and less drama prone because you aren’t pinning all of your hopes on one man alone. The losers are quickly weeded out because you have a standard to compare them to and don’t have time or energy to waste, with all of your better prospects waiting in the wings.

If life is like a box of chocolates, then sometimes we have to eat several of them to decide which one we really like. Then we eat some more until we find another one like it.  Maybe people tell us not to eat them all, or to only eat one, but we feel more satisfied when we have sampled several different candies. That doesn’t mean we have to eat the whole damn box, but indulging in a little luxury once in awhile can be a glorious experience to remember.

~Lovergirl

Lovergirl

12 comments

  1. @LoverGirl
    Nice post. Your list is very similar to the list I would make for a guy. See…we really aren’t that different. 🙂
    As a Mom I am curious what advice you would give your daughter when she is of age in terms of how many lovers to have. Would you give her different advice based on her stage in life? Pre-family? Post-family?
    I do find it is much more difficult for women (I am generalizing) to be FWB then it is for a man. Do you find this to be the case? Although I have certainly seen guys get territorial when someone else is getting with one of their ladies.
    I don’t know if having multiple partners raises your standards. In some ways yes. In some ways no. With regard to looks, I think it actually lowers your standards a bit. If I was dating just one women a flat butt or small boobs might be a deal killer. But if I have a variety of women it isn’t a big deal. Same with sexual performance. Zero chance I would date a woman that won’t give a blow job if she was the only one. If she was smoking hot and just one of many I might live with it. By your own admission, some guys might not want to go down on you. That might be a deal killer if you are only seeing one guy, but to your point, no biggie when he is just “Tuesday.”
    Where it definitely raises your standards (or at least it should IMO) is how someone treats you. At least for me when I have a rotation, I tolerate zero drama, jealousy and bullshit in general. I would imagine it would be the same for women. Unless a guy is doing something special (gives you 3x more orgasms than any other guy, is paying all your bills, etc.) then he gets kicked to the curb pretty quick if he’s giving you a headache.

  2. Hi, Lovergirl, allow me to play the devil´s advocate, please: Isn´t the whole point of attempting to build a relationship in creating emotional attachment? As strong as possible? Isn´t that what most/very many people want? (I understand there are such who don´t.)
    You speak about attachment almost as if it were a disease. “Emotional attachments happen to the best of us, and even to men. They often take us by surprise, yet here’s the catch…having a bevy of men to fall back on can actually HELP to deal with those difficult emotions!”
    And yes, I can almost hear BD – along the line of: If you like drama, do as you please, by all means, I´ll be over here being happy.
    I´m not saying relationships come easy. It´s just that despite the number of arguments listed above, it´s hard for me to see how having multiple friends with benefits could be better than having one deeply loved, and hopefully also loving, partner.
    You can, of course, become emotionally attached to more people. But then the intensity is diluted. He and you are no more unique to each other – because there is another he (or she).
    Or not?

  3. Hi K. I have no problem with anyone choosing to have an exclusive relationship with someone. If you find that dream man and the both of you want the same thing, by all means, go for it! I’m just offering an alternative solution for the meantime. It can be fun to play the field and at some times in our lives it “works” better than monogamy.

    I’m not even saying that for the right guy I wouldn’t become completely monogamous myself. Who knows, its possible that I might! I’ve certainly done it in the past and come very close to it when I fell in love with someone recently. Had he wanted a monogamous relationship I would have been willing to go there.

    I agree that there is something to be said for the emotional intensity that you can have between two people when no one else is involved. I feel like if the right man becomes a part of your life it will happen naturally that you will both gravitate towards emotional exclusivity.

    I’m at the point in my life now, where I could probably be okay with a man I was in a serious relationship having recreational sex occasionally on the side and I might want to do so myself. But its not a necessary thing for me either. It would depend on our relationship and we’d both have to feel safe with it.

  4. The bone I want to pick is Reason #2; I’m with you on the rest of it, but someone almost always being available? Unless you’ve got multiple unemployed lovers, that’s never going to happen.

  5. Hi Dawson-
    Thank you and yes, in some ways we are more similar than we realize. 😉

    I’m honestly not sure how I would advise my daughter. She’s still very young and has a developmental delay that she may or may not outgrow. So right now I feel super protective of her and the idea of her ever dating anyone at all is scary!

    Obviously when you are starting a family it is better to have both parents deeply involved, if at all possible. That’s not a stage in my life where I was playing the field either, though I did both before my marriage and after my divorce. I mean, my IDEAL relationship, even now, would involve emotional exclusivity with a man, and maybe recreational sex on the side, but nothing that would interfere with our emotional attachment.

    I would have stayed married for my kids, had my ex not decided he was done. Even though it might have meant less happiness for me, I would have wanted that for them, which is why I stuck it out for as long as I did. If there was a good man, that wanted to come along and take on the responsibility of my children and be a part of their lives, it would probably greatly reduce any playtime I had with other men, if not eradicate it completely. So I don’t want to give the impression that I think multiple men is right for everyone or for every season of life.

    For now, it is working for me. For a single mom that needs to put my children before a relationship with a man, it actually makes things easier on us all. Men can be very needy and demanding of a woman’s time and attention in a serious relationship. This way I can be like hey look, my kids come first, and no one gets butthurt because they aren’t expecting all my energy to be devoted to them.

    As far as being comfortable with FWB, I can with some men and with others I can’t. Once I get to an intense emotional level with a guy, it is admittedly hard. For some guys though, the ones that I don’t get attached to, it could go on indefinitely. Its a case by case basis!

    Men can get VERY territorial! Lol I’d even venture to say much more so than women. If they like you a lot, the often start to try to eradicate the other men in your life, even if they don’t want to offer any kind of commitment to YOU. So hypocritical, but it happens a lot! So I’m not really sure that its harder for women. I know thats the stereotype but guys can have a hard time with it too. It probably depends on THEIR level of investment and how many other women they are sleeping with.

    I don’t feel like it lowers my standards in regards to looks at all. I’m probably about the same as I would be just dating one guy. Sexual performance, there is more competition so I am pickier but yes more likely to tolerate SOME areas they might be lacking in (not going down on me or something else I like). They don’t have to be perfect and fulfill every need, but they have to have enough skill to stay in the rotation, lol.

    How they treat me is probably the most important thing anyway. If you have a bunch of guys around you know you don’t have to tolerate anyone that is being a jerk for very long. So that is definitely a benefit.

  6. Silver Lining Girl-
    LOL! I don’t have any unemployed lovers. Yet whenever I am available, there is usually a guy that wants to see me. It’s not 100% of the time, but most of the time. I’ve got a few with flexible schedules though, or that can leave work when they want to. Plus my own schedule is flexible. In any case, you have more options!

  7. @LoverGirl
    Oh come on…not even a little? Height? Penis size? Hair?

    The concept of emotionally exclusivity without physical exclusivity seems a bit like a unicorn to me. Can you really promise emotional exclusivity if you aren’t being physically exclusive? I mean obviously you can promise it, but any intellectually honest person knows that is kind of bullshit. You can promise to “try” to be emotionally exclusive but very, very few people can deliver on that promise.

    When you have sex with someone over even a short period of time (weeks or months) it is near impossible to not have some sort of emotional connection. Even as a guy that is immune to oneitis, I cannot have sex with someone I enjoy as a person and love having sex with and not have at least some level of an emotional connection with them. I guess one could have a series of one night stands (or close to it) and have little to no emotional connection but I doubt that works for most men and certainly doesn’t work for most women. Besides, lets be honest, sex when there is an emotional connection is WAY better so why would you have sex with someone you don’t have an emotional connection with if you can have it with someone you do have it with?

  8. Lovergirl: How many men would you recommend having in rotation to reach that “saturation point,” as it were?

  9. Silver Lining Girl- It may be different for everyone, but for me (and I have a pretty busy life) I usually have 1-3 guys I see regularly and maybe 2-5 that I see very occasionally. Regularly, meaning at least once or twice a week, or once every two weeks for some. Occasionally would mean maybe once a month for some or once every couple of months for others, some I may only see once or twice a year.

  10. @Dawson-
    Whose height, penis size, and hair are we talking about?? Lol

    I’ve seen emotional exclusivity work without being sexually monogamous. I have met a few couples in the Lifestyle (swingers) that seem to really make it work. One of the guys I sleep with is in an emotionally exclusive relationship with the mother of his child. They have lived together for something like 15 years but he has a lot of sex on the side. She can too, but doesn’t as often and went a long time without doing so, after the birth of their child. They don’t swing together though, because of potential drama. I’ve been sleeping with him here and there for over two years now.

    From knowing him personally, I will say that he is very careful not to get emotionally entangled. He says himself that he doesn’t get “sprung”, lol. We have great sex and we are friendly and text one another but he never leads me on in any way. Like, before Valentines day he texted to tell me an early Happy Valentines Day and mentioned he’d be in Vegas for 3 days with his “lady” and out of touch. Polite, respectful of both of us and still made a point of saying something to me on Valentines Day (while he was in Vegas). You can be emotional with someone during sex, without letting it get out of hand. Granted, not everyone could probably handle this, but I know there are some people who can!

    Really, what you have to be resolved to do is not to see the person too often or allow yourself to become entangled with them. It does take some self control. I’m not saying its 100% foolproof or anything.

    I’ve had fuck buddies that I did not feel an emotional attachment to but we still feel SOMETHING for each other. Like this guy I used to sleep with for a couple years before he moved away, he just emailed me the other day to say he misses me. We haven’t seen each other for two years and were never “in love” or anything like that but having a certain amount of sex with someone does tend to bond you in some way. The way we kept it from turning into anything was that we saw each other about once a month and didn’t text much in between. So you might have to lay down some ground rules to PREVENT getting entangled but I think it can work.

    When I say I want emotional exclusivity, I mean I want to be #1 at all times, lol, but I’m not asking for the guy not to feel ANYTHING towards other people. That would be coldhearted. They just need to have boundaries.

  11. @LoverGirl
    „Had he wanted a monogamous relationship I would have been willing to go there.“
    I´m afraid you´d find a very low number of men in the whole world who would be willing to become monogamous with a woman who was not monogamous when they met her (unless maybe she is way hotter than they have ever hoped to get). Men who seek monogamy with you usually don´t want to hear anything about your past sexual experiences, even if you made these in your previous monogamous relationships. If they venture to ask out of curiousity and you tell them, they regret it later.
    I don´t want to exclude the possibility that a long-term, loving, monogamous or at least emotionally monogamous relationship can evolve from one that started out casually. I suspect, though, that the chances are very low.
    Now, I´m not saying you should want a monogamous relationship. I´ve been reading your amazing blog recently – it´s a great source of experience. You´re a superwoman to me – able to provide for all your kids, take care of them, meet men, go to parties and write a blog!
    I do, however, and therefore see things from that perspective. I haven´t given up yet, probably since I´ve seen it work well in the case of my mom and step-dad who have been monogamous for over 26 years now (they´re 55). I don´t know what their secret is, unfortunately. Probably a combination of a strong connection and a high level of integrity in both of them.

  12. It’s true that many men feel threatened by a woman’s past sexual experience. I’m not sure monogamy from the very beginning is required though. At some point if a man really likes you, he should try to lock you down, but I don’t feel any obligation before that.
    Of course, I don’t have all the answers there. I’m still in the process of figuring it out. I know I can’t be with a man that can’t handle who I am or that I’m not some blushing virgin. The men who can deal with that may be few and far between but I like to think they are out there!

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