Reader Q&A – Best Open Relationship Techniques for Girls

By Hitori

Hitori

Fluff asks:

Hello ladies, thanks for taking the time out to read this. I apologize for the length and I hope you’ll be able to assist me. I posted this on BD’s blog, but he told me to come here, so this is the same issues I’ve asked help for from him. The second part is a response I gave to another poster further explaining my experiences and frustrations.

I’m 24 and dying to be more sexually adventurous but I keep running into 3 problems.

1.) The guy is great, but he isn’t sexually adventurous and demands monogamy.

2.) The guy is shit, but he is sexually adventurous.

3.) The guy is decent and sexually adventurous, but he doesn’t practice safe sex.

Thus I’ve never had sex with problems 2-3. In order to get sex I agree to monogamous relationships that aren’t fulfilling my needs. I AM NOT a serial dater! I’ve had 3 boyfriends and 2 sexual partners in my lifetime. While I’m capable of loving and bonding with others, I have never felt an emotional/romantic connection with anyone (so LTR is of no interest to me).

I don’t enjoy monogamous relationships, I find them to be stifling and exhausting. Now I always care for my partners deeply and attend to their needs, always faithful (as are they) but I’m never happy or fulfilled in the relationship (while they always are). Not that they have been one sided, they just don’t do it for me.

A few months ago I met a wonderful man and we started having great sex a few weeks ago. However he brought up the dreaded girlfriend conversation. We do have chemistry but he isn’t sexually adventurous and he believes in monogamy. He said that he’s done the open relationship route 3 times and he’s tired of it. He’s the type of guy that needs an emotional connection in order to have sex. He made it clear that we could still be friends, but FWB would NOT be an option because he’s developed feelings for me.

I finally gave him an answer last week (which was no). I could tell that he was disappointed but he said he’s enjoying his time with me now. I know he’s lying to me, the only reason he’s “enjoying the moment with me” is because I’m not seeing anyone else right now. But this keeps happening to me.

What am I doing wrong? Why do men keep trying to tie me down? The guys who are DTF are irresponsible or jack asses that make my vagina shrivel and die out of disgust. Do I just have to just suck it up and stay in a monogamous relationship with great sex but not the kind of sex I want sex (needless to say not feeling emotionally/romantically attached to the other person while they feel it for me)? Or do I just have to accept the fact that if I’m going to live a life full of non-committed sexual relationships that I have to accept one or some of my partners will be irresponsible and possibly put my life in danger?

“Potentials” always get offended by the STD talk and promise to show their papers, but the papers never come, and the sex doesn’t happen because of it. I get tested regularly and always offer my test results to new sexual partners. How do your partners react to the STD talk? Do either of you ask for test results before you engage in sex?

Part 2 – It doesn’t bother me that some men prefer or want monogamy, I’m bothered that I keep attracting these men. I’m a supporter of different strokes for different folks. I don’t want to force or coerce anyone into doing something they don’t believe in. However I also don’t want to be forced or coerced into doing something I don’t believe in. The monogamy probably wouldn’t be as painful if they were open minded in the bedroom, but they never are. NEVER, for example the guy I’m seeing now literally told me that kinks and sexual exploration are for people who have unfilled empty lives. He’s happy with his life so he doesn’t need to try different types of sex. It blew me away that he wasn’t even willing to try something new.

Also in my past relationships we start out fucking like rabbits but after a few months the sex dies down considerably. From my experience the men I’ve dated just don’t have the libido to match mine. I’m by no means a sex addict, but I have an appetite. It seems like they fake having an HL to trap me. I know there is a sea of great available, sexually adventurous men out there that have the same beliefs that I do, but I have no fucking idea where they roam. I keep meeting the extremes of the spectrum. I was able to hold onto an FWB relationship for a short period of time that was very sexually fulfilling, but he too wanted a monogamous commitment after sleeping together on and off over a 1 year period.

It also doesn’t bother me that some men are assholes. I’m simply not attracted to the overly macho, arrogant, aggressive, sexist type. I am highly bothered by the men who don’t take safe sex or their sexual health seriously though. I can’t believe that some people are so careless with their lives and the lives/health of their partners. I’m really hoping this coming advice will help me out. My sexual frustration is building and my hope is at an all time low. I don’t want monogamy to be my only option.

~Fluff

Hitori’s Response

Hey, girl.

There’s a lot to unpack here, so if you’ll bear with me I’m going to reorganize your topics a little into problem areas, each with a solution or two that’s worked for me.

  • You’re having trouble finding guys to have casual sexual relationships with who treat you well, but don’t want to wife you
  • You’re having trouble sustaining friends-with-benefits situations long-term
  • You’re seeing that libido tends to drop off (between you and a guy) after a period of time, say a few months
  • You’re having trouble finding guys who are sexually adventurous but not jackasses
  • New partners are offput by your approach to sexual health / it’s difficult to find guys who are as serious about sexual health as you are

So, one at a time:

It’s hard to find guys to have casual sexual relationships with who treat you well, but don’t want to wife (i.e. monogamously long term date) you.

What you’re working against here is a combination of dude baggage, general human nature, and your peer group age.

Dude baggage Most guys have internalized the idea that wanting anything less than a monogamous long-term relationship with a girl they have sex with harms her; many guys will allow this bullshit to trump literally anything you say or do to the contrary, so deeply do they treasure it.  In practice that means that a lot of men, consciously or unconsciously, try to dehumanize women they have casual sex with to offset their feelings about hurting girls. With enough emotional distance they can flee their fear of your presumed feelings / their father’s disapproval / the idea that they didn’t “score” you in spite of yourself / whatever, but ironically this makes them infinitely more likely to behave in a douchey way and actually hurt you. Good thing “men are logical,” right?

Human nature / peer group age. Look – people develop feelings for each other, especially when you add sex to the mix. It may not be where your head is at right now (or ever – who knows), but it’s something you’re going to need to accept about human beings and how they do. You take those feelings and you throw them at a guy in your peer group – you said you’re 24, no? – and there’s a good chance he’s going to try to lock you down, because 22 to 32 is when men are conditioned to drop out of the race. The vast majority of guys will, in this age range, decide they’re finally “ready” and pick a girl they have decided is the one and try to lock that shit down.

After 32 you’re looking at lifelong bachelors, permanent couples and people who things didn’t work out for in the first round – which changes the demographics a little. But right now, as far as guys trying for something monogamous goes, you are essentially walking in a minefield.

My suggestion – In my experience, the perfect fuckbuddy fits in one of three categories:

  • No-Baggage – There are guys out there who can and will be good to you, connect with you emotionally, and treat you like a human being who’s just a little more than a friend without needing to formalize that connection or put rules around it. When you see these guys I suggest that you jump on them – they can be captured in the wild, so to speak, but more often seem to circulate by referral. So. Keep your ears open when your girlfriends try to hook you up with someone for casual sex. That said, don’t hold out waiting for Mr. No-Baggage (as it sounds like you are right now) or you’re going to have some pretty long dry spells.
  • In-Another-Life – People you could have had a wonderful relationship with except for one absolute dealbreaker make great fuckbuddies. For example – you’re out of college, and he’s barely out of high school. Or one of you is only in the country for a year. Or you someday dream of marriage and a house and kids and he’s a lifestyle bachelor. What makes Mr. In-Another-Life great is the combination of good chemistry and some kind of disqualifying factor that can’t be mitigated. It means you both get to have warm gooey interactions (and warm gooey sex), without anyone ever having to worry about the unspoken question – “why isn’t this a ‘thing’?
  • Mr. Already-Locked-Down – Here I mean, specifically, experienced poly guys or guys in pre-existing successful open relationships. I don’t include monogamous cheaters in this category because – though they’re not something I have a lot of personal experience with – observation suggests that many cheaters are serial monogamists looking to get a footing in something new before leaving the safety of their existing relationship. Anyway – poly/open guys won’t try to lock you down into a monogamous relationship because it would disrupt their whole lifestyle. The caveat: I’m not talking about a guy in a recently opened relationship looking to step out for the first time, or just dipping his toes in polyamory – that’s a volatile situation. You want someone who’s been doing this for a while, and with some success.

So, to recap – feelings are a thing that can happen. If they don’t happen, someone will eventually get around to wondering why and that can be a problem. If they do happen, some guys will try to lock you down and that can also be a problem. Your best-in-show fuckbuddy will pre-qualified to handle this (Mr. No-Baggage) or pre-disqualified from handling it in a way you’re not looking for (Mr. In-Another-Life, Mr. Already-Locked-Down).

It’s hard to sustain a long-term friends-with-benefits situation

It took me a minute to get my head around what you’re asking here, because one of your examples was of a frustratingly short year long on-and-off fuckbuddy relationship. Then I remembered you’d also said this, and things started to click into place:

I AM NOT a serial dater! I’ve had 3 boyfriends and 2 sexual partners in my lifetime.

Why is it a problem to be a serial dater?

The best casual relationships tend to be, by their nature, transient but recurring. Lots of guys who’re a wonderful fit for what you’re looking for right now are a wonderful fit precisely because they’re in a transitional stage and figuring out what they want. They might be there and want that for a month, or a season, or a year – and then want something different. This is the sexual reality of the modern age: most people are serial monogamists. If you practice good breakup hygiene (offer closure without false hope, etc.) you might have a satisfying 2-year FWB – but there’s a good chance that those two years will be spread out over a decade.  More, it’s important to be able to drop connections that aren’t working out (for whatever reason).

In my experience, the typical duration for a “short-term relationship” or FWB situation runs 3-6 months of regular sex at a go – longer, potentially, if you see each other less frequently (someone in a city you happen to hit a few times a year for some reason, for example). Expecting these relationships to last longer is no different than when guys ask you to commit to mono – you’re hoping/asking for an unspoken commitment on your terms, instead of theirs. It’s fine to want that, but that’s polyamory – or an open relationship – and not everyone will want to sign up for it.

To wrap this point I’d emphasize that you should seek quality FWBs, pursue those involvements to their natural conclusion, discard those that aren’t working for you, and move on when it seems appropriate – without concerning yourself about how many men this involves sleeping with or dating. It probably won’t be that many, because from your email it’s clear that you know what you want and aren’t willing to settle for less. But let the deciding factor be “is this working for me?” not “Well, I’ve already slept with him, so I might as well do it again” or “I don’t want to be a serial dater / sleep with too many guys.”

Libido drops off after a few months

Sorry, girl. This is basic biology and psychology. Guys aren’t faking you out – this is part of what’s called the “honeymoon period” or, in poly circles, “new relationship energy” (NRE). Even if you’re ostensibly casual, clicking with a new sexual partner fires off a flood of hormones and neurotransmitters, and that effect has a fade-out period. This is why — If I were empress of the universe — it would be a faux pas to commit within the first six months of dating. You’re not your “normal” self yet, and neither are they.

This drop-off is part of the reason that casual relationships tend to be short term – even among people who prefer them, there’s some tendency to move on to the next chemical hit when your interest level in a new partner drops. That said, a few thoughts on mitigating this:

First – as obvious as this sounds, are you continuing to flirt with these guys? Being as sexually provocative – and dressing as sexually — as you were when you first met can help eliminate complacency as an aggravating factor. This is an area where a lot of people (including men) can stand to tighten their game up after a few months with the same person – “Netflix and chill” gets old after a little while. If you’re on top of that, though:

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask a guy to take care of you sexually without reciprocation, if you’re in a context that’s conducive to that. Sometimes I ask the BF to finger me before bed so I can sleep easier when he doesn’t feel like having sex, for example – my girl-hands can’t reach the good spots, you know. Don’t be afraid to request what you need – most guys will want to feel like they’re satisfying you, so unless you’re very hard to get off there’s a good chance they’ll indulge you anyway.

It’s hard to find guys who are sexually adventurous but not jackasses

This can be a challenge. Not so much the “guys who aren’t jackasses” part – I feel like that’s a separate question covered by my suggestions in the section about finding good partners for casual sex – but the “sexually adventurous” part. In particular, it can be a challenge to find adventurous guys without having to tip your hand along the way and subject yourself to slut-shaming. Below I’m going to focus on a three-pronged solution that has worked for me: identifying adventurous guys in real life, identifying adventurous guys online, and participating in communities that specialize in sexual exploration.

Identifying adventurous guys in real life – As you’ve doubtless realized, most guys consider themselves a lot more adventurous than they actually are. What’s worse, the more some guys like you the less adventurous they will be with you. That said, you can get some bucket list mileage out of these situations anyway if the sex is otherwise good – because most men will have one “favorite fantasy” that they’ve always wanted to try (or repeat). Be sure to ask if there’s something they’ve always wanted to try and you will often find (threesomes, anal, pegging, etc) that the answer is yes.

That said, let’s imagine for a moment that you’ve met a new guy and you’re hitting it off, but you haven’t hooked up and you’d like to know if he’s open-minded sexually. There are a few approaches you can take to this, but my favorite has always been fun hypotheticals. There is a caveat here: I like fun hypotheticals in general, so I often toss these (or other weird scenario questions) at people I have no intention of sleeping with – they feel natural to me. If this isn’t something that fits with your conversational style, you may want to explore other strategies such as swapping funny (anonymized) past-partner stories. Try this, or similar:

“Imagine you’ve been seeing somebody for a few months and things are going well and you’re really digging them – and then, out of nowhere, they ask you to –“ thing you wouldn’t ask for. “Wear a superhero costume to bed.” “Let her wear a clown suit to bed.” “Sit on a sheet cake.” “Let all her stuffed animals watch you have sex.” Whatever.

The weirder the better; it’s more fun that way, and weirdness offers cover from people misreading you as feeling them out about the particular sex act in question, especially if you line up a couple of odd scenarios in a row. The important thing here is the attitude of the reply – you’re looking for a “Sure – why not?” or “Yeah, of course.” A guy who thinks indulging weird sexual requests is beneath his dignity, or outside his comfort zone, is simply not going to rock your world with new experiences. Expect to have the question batted back at you, and use that opportunity to make your position on the matter clear.

Identifying adventurous guys online – As far as I’m concerned, okcupid is the gold standard for finding sexually open-minded guys on a site that’s not lifestyle-specific. Get an account, put some good pictures up (with a decent profile), then methodically select, secretly answer, and up-rate the importance of questions related to sexual open-mindedness, non-monogamy, and willingness to engage in specific activities you’re interested in. I’ve found two successful multi-year non-monogamous relationships, a best friend, and an enjoyable fling or two this way – so I stand by it. You want guys with a VERY HIGH percent match using this method (I’ve gone out with multiple 99% matches), and don’t be surprised if a decent number of guys tell you you’re their “highest rated match” with numbers much lower than that.

Finding exploratory communities – You didn’t specify what kind of sexual exploration you’re looking to do, but: check out the kink and swinger communities near you. I can’t speak for swinger events since I haven’t dabbled in that scene, but at kink parties there will be plenty of people who will be happy to introduce you to a variety of new experiences. People love popping kink cherries, even if nothing more is on the table than the opportunity to show you a new experience and give you a taste of something they’re passionate about. Do your research, though – understand the upsides and downsides of these communities before you get your feet wet, learn the etiquette of the scene in question, and take any steps needed to be proactive and responsible about your own safety.

New partners react negatively to being questioned about their sexual health bona fides

Ok, bad news first: your current approach will absolutely put people off. There are a lot of sex-positive resources out there that will urge you to ABSOLUTELY demand test results first, and tell you anyone who’s not comfortable with that is a BIG DOUCHEBAG, and that’s fine – if it doesn’t rule out sex with guys that you really want to sleep with, and badly. But it almost certainly will. So here’s a slightly more nuanced perspective:

Outside of certain very specific circumstances, the shared cultural expectation is that “fucking responsibly” means:

1. You use protection for PIV or PIA sex,

2. You disclose if you have a known STD, and

3. You are within your rights to ask people you have an existing sexual relationship with about their test results.

You can compare this with the consensus rules of “driving responsibly”: Don’t be drunk, everybody wears a seatbelt, no texting while driving. “Responsible sex” rules have about the same level of acceptance and compliance, and for the same reason: they keep the majority of people safe the majority of the time, and they’re about as much risk mitigation as most people can fit into their day. Because these are generally accepted, no one will really bat an eye if you either enforce, or call them out on, these rules.

For perspective I’d urge you to do the following: research the STD transmission rates for a single protected sex act. They don’t jump out at you – you have to dig – because most statistics are provided in transmissions per year of unprotected sex with an infected partner. That’s…not what you’re doing. You can be pretty damn safe without requesting papers at the point of entry like a customs officer. I would also urge you to keep in mind that, in my experience, there’s a direct correlation between the level of STD risk someone exposes them to and how often they feel the need to get tested – so the fact that someone’s been tested recently is a data point that I would suggest you interpret in a larger context.

This is about as far as you can go without making things weird, outside of a subculture with special etiquette around testing and negotiation: when things are getting fun before sex, stop and look him in the eye and ask “You don’t have any STDs you know of, do you?” – Because it’s accepted etiquette that you should disclose, people who know they have (for example) HPV or HSV exposure may hesitate and/or disclose at this point. If that doesn’t work for you, in the kink scene you can probably get away with asking for papers first – but even then, most people won’t just have them ready to go.

So, in summary: if you want to be aggressive about testing, be aggressive about testing – but be aware that it will put a good number of people off. If you were going to focus on just one thing, I’d suggest looking for men who are enthusiastic condom-users rather than aggressively filtering for guys who get tested regularly and are eager to share their results; secondhand experience suggests that this demographic slants toward guys who want to have sex bareback and do so with most of their partners. But it’s a very personal cost-benefit, so you do you.

~Hitori

Hitori

9 comments

  1. Just for a different perspective, I wanted to let you know that I have NEVER had a man be put off by me asking to see test results. I think of it this way; I only sleep with responsible adults, and responsible adults don’t get huffy when you ask them to be responsible.

  2. Even if someone got tested for STD’s a week ago, they could have caught something since then. If a person has an STD, and KNOWS it and they are trying to have sex with you, and you have to ASK them, the chances of them telling you the truth seem pretty slim. Asking about it may seem “responsible” but its really more of a formality and kind of a vibe killer, in my opinion. Making him wear a condom is definitely the safer option than talking about it.
    I’m curious how the sexually adventurous guys are jackasses. Like, what traits do they have that bother you? You mentioned you don’t like macho men and sometimes that falls in line with sexually adventurous, just because a lot of women are attracted to the ultra self confident types. Also, sexually adventurous guys might seem like assholes about being questioned about std’s or wearing condoms, because they tend to be risk takers. I mean you can always find outliers but those would be “typical”. You wouldn’t believe the types of swinger parties I’ve been invited to- like “no condoms allowed bareback” parties, lol. (Even that was too extreme for me).

    If you want to sustain a fwb situation, I would recommend refusing to see the guy very often. Blow him off to the point where you only see him a couple times a month or something at first and be slow to return messages. He’ll get the point. You can’t be fwb with someone you see all the time and hang out with a lot. Its almost always going to cause feelings from one or both sides.

  3. Fluff,
    If only there were more women like you. I feel the same way in my search for women who are open to non-monogamous lifestyles, and apart from getting involved with polyamory communities in my area (poor selection, arcane culture, not very attractive partner options) I have no idea where to find them beyond just putting in the numbers. I think in general guys are more comfortable with the idea that one has to sift through many possibilities to find what one needs in the sex/romance department. It seems women go through most of their sexual lives without ever encountering the levels of rejection and scarcity that men face from the start and are thus more likely to give up when faced with the prosepect of having to go through hundreds of prospects to find one or two that work out.
    Don’t give up!

  4. @ Hitori
    Thank you so much! You gave some really great and realistic advice! Everything was broken down so clearly and elegantly. You are 100% correct about the “dude baggage” most of the men I meet clearly have baggage. The “in another life” advice is perfect! Looking back I probably lost a lot of sex opportunities because I didn’t view a compatibility between the two of us. If I’m just searching for casual sex, I should probably lax on my “must haves” a bit. I feel like an idiot not thinking of that on my own lol. The “Mr. Already” advice was also great , it makes sense to engage in a casual relationship with a man who isn’t available. I have no idea why I never thought this was an option for me.

    I think serial dating is fine for other people. But as I said monogamous relationships are exhausting for me, and the men I I’ve dated never wanted to break up. I’m always blunt when breaking up, I explain why I’m leaving, And I cut off contact. I don’t know if its particularly the men I’ve dated, or if when people want something they just won’t take “no” for an answer. But they’ll attempt to come talk to me at my home, or job about why I should take them back. And/or that the break up came out of no where, even though I always openly express my concerns in the relationship and give ample time in an attempt to “fix things”. I also ask if they have any concerns regarding me. But they seem to have amnesia about those conversations. Its just so exhausting and I couldn’t imagine going through that so frequently, especially when it seems men get attached so quickly and deeply. I also feel that would be dishonest of me if a guy is looking for a serious or LTR and I’m basically just there for the sex.

    You’re right, seeking quality FWB’s and having realistic expectations about the longevity of these relationships seems like a great option for me. I guess my frustration with FWB’s was just that I wanted a “guarantee” that sex was available to me. You’re right once again in saying it isn’t fair of me to expect sex from someone for so long on my terms and then become upset when they have terms of their own. Cutting down on the frequency of sex with said FWB is also good advice. I think that is where the attachment comes from with most of the men I interact with. I must be giving them too much time and attention.

    You gave a really tactful solution on finding adventurous men. I have gone the OKC route in the past, but of course the most sexually adventurous men live hours away in the city. Also my experience with this was they would proclaim that distance was an issue, even when I told them I wouldn’t mind the travel to meet them. They still declined stating that they would be interested if I moved closer or if they were in town. I still can’t figure out if this was a polite rejection due to lack of interest of it they were just not willing to put in the effort to travel. They would always follow it up with something along the lines of “too bad though, or you’re really pretty”. But that could have been to soften the blow of rejecting me.

    Regarding the STD talk, I suppose I’m just highly paranoid. As you suggested I’m sure there are more tactful ways that I can have this conversation. However I’m not comfortable with just trusting that someone will tell me the truth. I believe in condom usage 100%, but with a casual sex relationship I also want to have the added comfort that if the condom came off, or if I want to give/receive oral est that I and my partner will not be at risk. I understand that everyone assumes risk when they engage in sex, but I would like to have as much knowledge about my sexual partner before I assume that risk.

  5. @lovegirl
    I completely understand that someone could have caught an STD after their most recent testing. And I know that people do lie. I also believe in strictly condom usage. However I personally believe that someone who gets tested regularly and is open about sharing their results to their partner is more likely to be responsible and protective over their sexual health vs. someone who refuses to do either. I’d be able to accept the consequence if my partner and I took all the natural steps to prevent an STD and one occurred despite it all. I would not be able to accept the consequence if my partner with held STD status or did not perform any testing to be aware of his status.

    The Jack ass types are overbearing, narrow minded, condescending, dismissive, and just rude. I’m not a submissive woman inside or outside of the bedroom. So men like this do nothing for my vagina. It doesn’t turn me on to be told what I want, what I think, how I am, or what to do. There type of men are not my taste. They think they know my body and what it wants when they know nothing about me. They think all or most women are alike because the women they entertain are similar. Even if their intention isn’t to be those things, or to project vibe because its their “truth”, it comes off as repulsive to me because their perception doesn’t fit my being. In my sexual experiences my past partners and I have had a natural sexual chemistry. After discussing our likes, dislikes, and boundaries the sex is often in sync and flows as it should. I’d prefer a guy to be sub in the bedroom, but it isn’t a requirement. I’m agreeable as long as the requests are within reason, I know my body and what it likes, so someone telling me what they are gong to do and how I’m going to like it lets me know upfront that they will be a shitty sexual partner for me.

    You’re right about the FWB situation. I do need to stop giving them so much time and attention. It seems like the consistent advice is to see your FWB’s sparingly and not constantly.

  6. @ Hitori
    I forgot to address you point on libodo’s dropping off after a few months. I understand that people lose attraction or get bored with their sexual partners. Its just frustrating for me because typically, if I’m attracted to someone sexually, that physical/sexually attraction will always be there. I’m still physically and sexually attracted to my ex-boyfriends and ex-FWB’s. IF the option to have unattached sex with any of them was there I’d take it in a heartbeat.

    I like to keep things new and exciting. I love dressing up, wearing sexy costumes in the bedroom, having sex all over the house. Sneaking hand jobs under tables in public. My personal upkeep is higher than the average person, I do work out, diet, and groom myself. But I guess even all of this is can become routine. Complacency is actually my biggest complaint in relationships, and that is usually the reason why I’ve broken things off with all the men that I’ve been with. I don’t believe in being comfortable in any aspect of my life. I think everything you do requires effort, attention, and mindfulness. So I find it offensive and a slap in the face if my partner becomes comfortable with me (in the sense that he feels he doesn’t have to try and/or gets bored) when i put so much effort into not taking his sex and companionship for granted. I truly do consider it a gift to be cherished when someone invites you into their life and I treat my interactions with said person as a gift. This is probably why relationships are so exhausting for me, and this is probably why my partners feel so much more attached to me than I do to them. Its disappointing because I love going above and beyond in all that I do, (thats just my personality) but I don’t enjoy when it isn’t reciprocated. I don’t expect anyone to be like me or do as much as I do by any means (that would be unrealistic for most), but I do expect that effort is being made. I do expect a monogamous partner to show that they are thinking of me and mindful of me in their own way. Unfortunately that expectation seems unrealistic, thus I prefer non-monogamous relationships.

    As you’ve already said, the effort/excitement dies down after NRE and I suppose everything I do is just seen as expectation, instead of a value. I can accept that is a reality, but I will not accept that standard in a monogamous relationship. In my book people are allowed to behave as they wish, but that doesn’t mean that I have to accept it if I don’t want that behavior in my life. However in the context of a casual relationship, getting bored and not putting in effort is acceptable. Since the relationship is understood as temporary as well as low maintenance I can accept the lack of reciprocation in such relationships.

  7. @ Kurt
    I defiantly know location plays a big part of it. Thought it baffles me because my girlfriends complain regularly that the men they meet just want sex. And I’m over here yelling in my head “SEND THEM MY WAY!” lol Though my friends and I do not have the same taste in men so that wouldn’t work. I’ve mildly investigated polly propositions, but its normally one guy who has a harem of women. Not that there is anything wrong with that, its just that the guy blatantly states he’s looking for an addition and it would be a monogamous polly relationship. Meaning I’d only be able to have sex with him, while he continued to recruit lol. As you can imagine that isn’t what my loins and I are looking for.

    You’re right in that men face rejection more than women and have built up an expectancy have to put in numbers. Also I think many men would scoff at my said “rejection” because I’m not actually being turned down by men sexually/romantically, I’m being turned down because they want monogamy and not casual sex (open relationships). So technically I suppose I’m still the “rejector” in this sense, even though it feels like I’m being rejected because I’m not getting what i want.

    I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m probably not going to find people I consider my ideal physical type. As long as they’re attractive enough, I don’t mind. For example I prefer men with dark features, with a shapely figure, and full body. But I’ve only dated/sexed men with blonde hair, light eyes, most of them were also skinny and boxy in shape lol There has to be some physical attraction though.

    I was on the verge of giving up. But this advice has really given me a new perspective. I’m going to change my game as well as my expectations and get back out there! Good luck to you as well! You’ll find some open minded individuals eventually.

  8. Fluff- Have you ever considered taking out an anonymous Craigslist casual encounters ad? I know a lot of people see this as risky, but its not so much if you make the guys follow your requirements, meet publicly, etc. The cool thing about it is you can state EXACTLY what you are looking for and you never know, you might actually get some replies from guys who fit your description.
    I’ve actually met some guys that I saw more long term on Craigslist and you’d be surprised at the amount of higher quality men on there (I’ve even met a couple who were somewhat famous). Yeah you have to filter through losers but you can just not reply if they don’t sound right and don’t do what you ask (send a picture, take you out in public first). They won’t have your personal email if you don’t reply either and you can take down the ad whenever you want (if Craigslist doesn’t do it for you- my ads usually get flagged fairly quickly but even a 30 minute run will get about 30-40 replies).
    Failing that, can I introduce you to my ex husband? He’s a dark haired white guy and has a six pack and a good body from working out and he’s passive in bed too! 😉 Just playing, but that’s totally not MY type, haha.
    Its funny though, I would consider myself very submissive in bed and often outside of it (with guys I am seeing, not the general public) but I don’t like a lot of the traits you mentioned either. I would characterize those guys as domineering rather than dominant.

  9. Fluff – The physical traits you’re looking for might be a regional thing. Where do you live? (Approximately) If you live in Norway for example…

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