Online Dating Part Two: Dealing With Email

By Cougarbaby


So you have your profile set up and you’re ready to go. Now what? There are three ways to go.

1) Browse profiles and make the first move.

2) Sit back and wait for guys to make the first move.


1) Browsing profiles can be time consuming, but you can make it fun. Make a date of it. Pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles, cuddle up on the couch and get cruisin! If you have a girlfriend who is also online dating, invite her over and make it a girls’ night.

Set your search parameters (age range, height, body type, location, etc.) and start scrolling. If you see someone you like, make a move. But first, READ HIS PROFILE. If you still like him, send him a nice message. Keep it short but sweet and try to reference something in his bio. This will make your message stand out and automatically give a feeling of camaraderie.

2) When receiving emails, the classiest thing to do is reply to all of them, if you have the time to do so. Here is my school of thought: I took the time to write out EXACTLY what/who I’m looking for. They should take the time to read that and evaluate themselves as a potential match. Yeah right. 😛

If you get a message from a guy who fits your parameters and you are attracted to him, YAY!! Read his message, read his profile, then reply appropriately. Respond to whatever he wrote, then add a question or comment related to his bio. Get the dialog going.

If you get a message from someone who fits the parameters but isn’t attractive to you, bummer. Write back something polite like, “Thank you for the nice message. Best of luck on your search.” Most guys will understand and go away. If they write you again, you can either tell them that you just don’t think you’d make a good couple, or ignore that follow up.

If you get a message from someone who clearly does not fit those parameters, UGH. You can try the polite kiss off or just delete. Personally, I clearly state that a guy must be at least 5’11” and under 40 (I also explain why). I often get messages from 5’9ers and oldies. These are automatically deleted. Also deleted are the hate-mails. If you are as specific as I am, you will get hate-mail. Or should I say hate-male? Ha ha. Anyway, don’t let it bother you. Obviously those guys have their own issues to deal with. Don’t let it get to you.

Most importantly, be aware that online dating is like buying a lottery ticket. It’s for entertainment only and should not be intended for investment purposes. 🙂 Again, don’t take it too seriously. Keep it light and fun. If you find someone (or someones) GREAT!! People actually do win the lottery. Otherwise, keep playing. Have fun. Share your experiences.




  1. quote
    Most importantly, be aware that online dating is like buying a lottery ticket. It’s for entertainment only and should not be intended for investment purposes. 🙂
    end quote


    Again, don’t take it too seriously. Keep it light and fun. If you find someone (or someones) GREAT!! People actually do win the lottery. Otherwise, keep playing. Have fun. Share your experiences.
    end quote

    Ahem! Can you please explain this? I’m a very serious online dater and I’m very successful at it. It used to be my only source of women for a long time. I am definitely using it for “investment purposes” and succeeding. Why in the world would you say that finding someone on there is as unrealistic as winning the lottery, shouldn’t be taken seriously, and is for entertainment purposes only??? That seriously insults and degrades serious online daters who have slept with multiple people from dating sites and continue to do so..

    This is very insulting to men (and women) who are serious about meeting someone off the net. No wonder many women don’t respond to me. They don’t take it seriously. They should probably just leave the site then, because they are wasting everyone’s time if it’s just entertainment to them. Those are actually the worst women there. Again, can you please explain this?

  2. “Most importantly, be aware that online dating is like buying a lottery ticket. It’s for entertainment only and should not be intended for investment purposes.” – CougarBaby

    “No wonder many women don’t respond to me. They don’t take it seriously.” – Evil White Male

    Meh. All the more reason we have to copy-paste. It’s adaptation. And the more they look at it this way, the more likely the women who do go out, despite knowing all of this, will be down to have a good time.

  3. I have to disagree with you on some things.
    1. As a woman, I do not make the first move as far as writing an email. Generally the most I will do is look at his profile. The majority of the time this results in him emailing ME. On a rare occasion I might wink at him, like if I saw some guy that I REALLY thought I would like. Men actually pay attention to who is viewing their profile though, because it doesn’t happen near as often as it does for us. So if that’s not enough to get him to approach me I figure he’s probably not interested. As a general rule of thumb I think men should do the approaching.
    2. OMG, there is no way in hell I would waste my time replying to every email! I don’t want to encourage any men that I am not interested in, and any reply, even if it is negative often gets their hopes up. Plus, I just couldn’t do it. I don’t even READ like 80% of the emails I get. Every time I look at my OKCupid profile, for example, the mailbox is full and as I’m sitting there trying to delete and make more space I just get more and more emails. Its overwhelming! I don’t care if its not classy, lol. I only respond to a select few that actually seem interesting to me.

  4. At evil white male: While technically it works for men too, this article was written with women in mind. In general, women are more emotionally driven than men. They tend to take things very seriously and if you are indeed an experienced online dater, you know that there is a lot of negativity in cyberspace. Keeping it light and fun, with entertainment in mind, is a good way to keep from feeling beat down and personally rejected by it all.
    I hope that helps you to feel less insulted. 🙂
    And I’m guessing that the women who do not respond to you, are the ones who are looking for a serious relationship, not a hook up. And like lovergirl, don’t have the time to email you a “thanks but no thanks” response.

  5. The labels in the three boxes don’t show up?

    Thanks for reporting this. It’s only a problem when using Internet Explorer. We’re addressing it.

  6. Buzz- I’m probably harsher than most in my screening. I have a very specific “type” that I am attracted to. Most men who fall outside those parameters are automatically ignored. Plus on a site like OKCupid, you can read the start of their email without opening it. So if I’m being approached in a way that I find vulgar, offensive, or generic I tend to skip past them. ” Nice tits”, “do you want to fuck?” anything that implies they are only interested in me sexually gets moved past. It’s not that I don’t have casual sex or don’t want that sometimes but I don’t like being treated like an object. I need them to show interest in me as a person. Anyone under 35 I usually don’t bother with (especially if they say something like “do you like younger men”- the fact that they are drawing attention to that bugs me- but I DON”T generally like younger men, unlike some of the women on this site).

    If they sound tentative or not confident in their approach I move past them too. I’m kind of ruthless. I also won’t bother with anyone that looks like a thug or is dressed sloppily. I like men who present themselves well. I tend to prefer black men, so MOSTLY that is who I respond to. If all they say is “hi” or “how are you” or something really basic, I tend to skip over them too.

    Of course on Tinder, I respond to pretty much everyone because they have already passed the picture test. On Plenty of Fish I mostly only open emails of guys I find attractive physically. OkCupid, you can see a bit more of what they have to say off the bat, so I scan that. On the swinger site I am on, I will read all the emails, but I don’t do couples and I don’t respond to most people, he has to really stand out to me.

  7. Lovergirl, it sounds like you need to update your Cupid/POF profiles. Tell them, as you just told us, your criteria. That way you won’t have so much to sift through and guys will have a better understanding of why you didn’t respond. It is courteous and quite simple really. “I tend to go for black men over 35.”

  8. Even if I managed to drastically reduce the amount of emails I get, I still wouldn’t answer the men I’m not interested in. I see it as a complete waste of both of our time. As far as stating “I prefer black men over 35”, that doesn’t go over very well, or work, in my experience. I’ve put that before and gotten a lot of hate mail and men trying to argue or “prove” themselves. They say stuff like “I’m black below the belt” and of course that’s not even what I’m looking for. Some are just angry that they don’t fit my qualifications or try and tell me that I shouldn’t date black men and say insulting things. Others ignore it and obviously don’t read. I don’t care to deal with all of that. I DO put it on the swinger site, where it is a little more “normal” but I haven’t found that it changes much. I still get a large proportion of single white men emailing me, and the occasional couple. (I state that I am not really into couples). Besides, I’m a never say never girl and there MIGHT be a white guy I am interested in. I just skip on over the ones I am not going to bother with and pick out the ones I like. So far its worked out pretty great.

  9. Honestly any guy that responds negatively to what you have in your profile tells you all you need to know about himself. NEXT.
    If a guy has time to read someones profile and wants to argue them out of what they like then that guy has way too much time on his hands. THAT guy is going to be a nightmare if you date him.
    I agree with LoverGirl. If you don’t get a response from someone that means they weren’t interested. If I am particularly interested in a woman I might send a second email, trying to be humorous about how I must have gotten lost in her mountain of messages. If no response, I move on. That’s what adults do. Any guy that gets pissed because you ignore him is an asshole anyway.

  10. From my experience, there is no need to answer to every men. I really prefer a girl ignoring me than anything weird. From the girl who doesn’t know how to say no to the one explaining why she doesn’t like me (I don’t have ego issues, still, I dislike when someone tells me I’m not “up to her standards”, even if it’s always a matter of preference).

    Really, really, really do the first move. It’s a winning move. Stop waiting for guys to contact you, it’ll take far more time for you to find a proper guy (and can even be impossible if you don’t know how to properly write your profile). The top guys are not looking at “who looked at me”, because there are tons of girls doing it. They are choosing the girls they want to date. So, unless you’re a perfect 10, it’s not you, and if you want something with them, do the first move.
    Also, if you have any issue on your profile (bad photos, whatever) you’ll have tons of guys spamming girls without reading their profiles who will “contact you”, hiding the fact that your profile has a very low popularity amongst interesting men. By contacting guys, you’ll quickly realize if you have a low answer rate, and adjust your profile accordingly.
    So, honestly, do the first move, you won’t speak to the same guys.

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