They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and there’s good neuro-biological reasoning for this. The first time you encounter someone or something new, your brain creates a mental construct of what it learned, wiring together neurons with all the impressions it received into a mental construct for that person. You then have a mental idea of a person residing in your brain that is entirely separate from the real person. And each new encounter you have may modify your idea of them somewhat, but it’s not easy to completely change the mental “idea” that someone has of you, once it’s wired into their brain.
This is why first impressions are so important. If someone meets you for the first time when you’re looking good, high energy, confident, and funny, they’re going to form a mental construct of you that has those qualities, and if you later seem different, they will just think you “weren’t yourself” that day, because people always prefer to stick to their existing mental constructs rather than having to form new ones, which requires a lot of energy.
So, what does this have to do with men? Well, it means that not all of your impressions of a man carry the same weight. His first impression is much, much more important than his later impressions. And this doesn’t only apply to the first time he meets you, it applies to the first time you have sex.
In other words, if you’re interested in keeping a guy’s interest or getting him to fall for you, you need to make sure that the first time you have sex is the best that it can possibly be.
And in order to do this, it can’t be impulsive or spontaneous or decided at the last moment. It needs to be planned. I know that those of you who are fans of “just letting things happen naturally” won’t like this, but if you want the first time to be as good as it can possibly be, the whole thing needs to be orchestrated.
I also realize that some of what I say below will go against some girls’ preferences because they want the guy to take the “lead” and plan this stuff out. All I can say is that once we start kissing, it’s up to the guy to take the lead sexually, but as far as all the other elements, I want to control them to make sure the chances of great sex are as high as possible.
Here’s how I do it. You should modify it to work for you:
1. You need to set the stage and build up the anticipation well before the actual sex happens. Anticipation is like 80% of pleasure, so if you don’t allow a good build-up time for tension and anticipation, you aren’t reaching the full heights of sexual intensity. This means heavy sexualized flirting. You can do this even with a guy when you don’t know if you’re going to have first-date sex, but in those cases you should be sexually texting and chatting for a while beforehand to ramp it up. So, even if you matched on Tinder and are planning to have sex that night, you should be spending the day building it up with sexualized flirting and teasing. Also, the sexual talk is very important to convey what you like and make sure that you’re generally compatible and that you have a good idea what he likes and vice versa. You should both be going into it with a pretty good idea of each other’s turn-ons and desires.
2. The guy should have a good idea that sex is going to happen, but not know with 100% certainty. You want him to be ready for what’s going to go down, to be clean and smell good and be prepared and looking forward to it. But he shouldn’t think of it as an absolute 100% sure thing, as uncertainty increases people’s motivation and anticipation, and makes things more exciting. Stories where you don’t know the ending are much more exciting and interesting than the ones you’ve already heard before.
3. You need to get yourself looking, smelling, and tasting as good as you possibly can. I’m not talking about your basic shower and get ready. I mean you need to go all out. You should be choosing what food and drink you consume for an entire day beforehand to make sure none of it is smelly or bloating. No ranch salad dressing or salsa or anything else stinky! And nothing that will bloat your waist. Shave everything, clean everything and do whatever you need to do to get yourself in the top possible condition for how you look and smell. Your hair, your nails, your skin, your makeup, your underwear, everything. I won’t tell you how to do this because you already know, and if not, there are a gazillion magazines and sites you can consult.
4. Plan the setting. I think it is crucially important that first-time sex happens on YOUR turf. It should never be at his place, unless you’ve been there a bunch of times, know exactly how it will be, and can control it (i.e. lighting, music, etc.). I feel very strongly about this, do not allow him to set the scene. You should be setting the scene.
So, if you don’t like your place, get a hotel or use a friend’s house or whatever you need to do. But you need to control the setting. You need to be able to control the mood by getting the perfect lighting, soundscape and temperature. Lighting makes a huge difference in how people look, and no one looks better in harsh bright light than they do in soft dim light. You also don’t want to have sex in total darkness, so you need to be able to do it in a situation with good lighting that makes you look great and feel uninhibited. I’m also a fan of music but you need to be able to choose it and you don’t want radio commercials or anything like that to happen. I recommend the Massive Attack station on Pandora, personally. You want to control the temperature, the background/white noise (if any), whether you have open windows or closed, all this stuff. You also want to think about what happens after sex…are there towels around for cleanup? Where are they? Who’s going to get them? Etc.
It should go without saying that wherever you are, it should be clean, tidy and should smell good.
5. Make sure you consider alcohol intake. Make it available to him, and monitor your and his intake. Most people want at least a drink or two before they do it for the first time, to shed some of their inhibitions. But you don’t want too many, and you definitely don’t want him to have too many. So make sure alcohol is available, but that the drinking is limited to an optimized level to get you both comfortable, but not drunk.
6. As far as the actual sex goes, I don’t think you need to do anything weird or crazy to make it extremely memorable. The basic positions and moves suffice. What makes good sex great is not the moves, it’s the emotion and the intensity. There are two little tricks I learned that will sound incredibly simple (and perhaps cheesy) that ramp sex up from “meh” to “nuclear”, when done with a new guy you don’t really know: making intense eye contact while you’re fucking, and calling him “baby” or other things that imply intimacy and love. I know that’s the opposite of what you might expect from porn or from any of my other advice, which emphasizes being independent and borderline aloof, but during sex, guys love it if you basically act like you are madly in love with them out of desire. You should NOT act like that with a new guy out of the bedroom. But in bed, it works like magic. And honestly, the contrast between being a little aloof and cold out bed, but extremely passionate and emotional in bed will create an addiction-like response in men.
I can’t emphasize enough how important the eye contact thing is. Especially for us internet-denizens, who tend to be more introverted people who might have a hard time making eye contact. It can literally ramp up sexual intensity about 10 times as much as a bunch of complicated, fancy positions.
If you’re brave enough to talk dirty, then go ahead, but I don’t think you should force yourself if you’re not comfortable with it. I think the guy should be leading on this point. The basic point here is that your passion and enthusiasm is the number one factor differentiating ‘okay’ sex from ‘amazing sex’.
7. If you can’t come, fake it. Lol, I know, I am going against every bit of advice you will ever read from anyone. I don’t care. Look, if he’s so good you come the first time (or you make yourself come), then great, congratulations, that’s awesome! But, the chances of that happening are low. So just fake it. If there are arguments with me on this, I’ll get into it, but just remember that what I am advising here is how to make the best impression in the *guy’s mind*, not how to make it the best for you. If he’s on top of his own game, he should be thinking about how to impress you, so leave that for him to worry about. And if he DOES wow you, then yay! But we are talking here about you wowing him. And a guy is never going to remember a sexual experience with a woman who doesn’t come as one of his favorites or top experiences of all time. He just isn’t. For him to love it, he needs to think you come. And anyway, everyone else is faking it – that’s my belief, I think this happens way, way, way more than people think. If he ends up being a keeper, you can teach him how to get you off properly later. Besides, if that’s all you cared about, you’d stay home to masturbate anyway.
8. Don’t dawdle afterwards or wear out your welcome. You should part ways while he’s still high on you and leave him wanting more. Don’t stick around til he gets annoyed. If you’ve followed my instructions, he will be at your house, so it will be his job to leave, and you should let him leave as soon as he wants to – do NOT try to convince him to stay longer. In my experience most guys will stay even if you don’t want them to. But they should get up early in the morning and leave before you get up, or if you have morning sex, then after that. If he really wants to stick around, you can go out to breakfast and then he should leave. But you should not be hanging around all day. The point is, you want him wanting more, you don’t want him totally satiated (and you want to want more yourself).
9. Follow up and let him know how much you enjoyed him sexually (assuming you did), but after that, let him take the lead in how often you stay in contact and he should initiate contact and seeing you again.
If you’ve done your job right, he’ll be well on his way to being sexually addicted to you. If he’s not, then sorry but you should just forget it, because he’s out of your league – you gave your best effort and it didn’t capture him. But if you did, then it’s now HIS job to seek you out and chase you to fuel his addiction and get his next hit. So let him do his job.