Make The Best Impression The First Time You Have Sex

By Kryptokate

Kryptokate

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and there’s good neuro-biological reasoning for this. The first time you encounter someone or something new, your brain creates a mental construct of what it learned, wiring together neurons with all the impressions it received into a mental construct for that person. You then have a mental idea of a person residing in your brain that is entirely separate from the real person. And each new encounter you have may modify your idea of them somewhat, but it’s not easy to completely change the mental “idea” that someone has of you, once it’s wired into their brain.

This is why first impressions are so important. If someone meets you for the first time when you’re looking good, high energy, confident, and funny, they’re going to form a mental construct of you that has those qualities, and if you later seem different, they will just think you “weren’t yourself” that day, because people always prefer to stick to their existing mental constructs rather than having to form new ones, which requires a lot of energy.

So, what does this have to do with men? Well, it means that not all of your impressions of a man carry the same weight. His first impression is much, much more important than his later impressions. And this doesn’t only apply to the first time he meets you, it applies to the first time you have sex.

In other words, if you’re interested in keeping a guy’s interest or getting him to fall for you, you need to make sure that the first time you have sex is the best that it can possibly be.

And in order to do this, it can’t be impulsive or spontaneous or decided at the last moment. It needs to be planned. I know that those of you who are fans of “just letting things happen naturally” won’t like this, but if you want the first time to be as good as it can possibly be, the whole thing needs to be orchestrated.

I also realize that some of what I say below will go against some girls’ preferences because they want the guy to take the “lead” and plan this stuff out. All I can say is that once we start kissing, it’s up to the guy to take the lead sexually, but as far as all the other elements, I want to control them to make sure the chances of great sex are as high as possible.

Here’s how I do it. You should modify it to work for you:

1. You need to set the stage and build up the anticipation well before the actual sex happens. Anticipation is like 80% of pleasure, so if you don’t allow a good build-up time for tension and anticipation, you aren’t reaching the full heights of sexual intensity. This means heavy sexualized flirting. You can do this even with a guy when you don’t know if you’re going to have first-date sex, but in those cases you should be sexually texting and chatting for a while beforehand to ramp it up. So, even if you matched on Tinder and are planning to have sex that night, you should be spending the day building it up with sexualized flirting and teasing. Also, the sexual talk is very important to convey what you like and make sure that you’re generally compatible and that you have a good idea what he likes and vice versa. You should both be going into it with a pretty good idea of each other’s turn-ons and desires.

2. The guy should have a good idea that sex is going to happen, but not know with 100% certainty. You want him to be ready for what’s going to go down, to be clean and smell good and be prepared and looking forward to it. But he shouldn’t think of it as an absolute 100% sure thing, as uncertainty increases people’s motivation and anticipation, and makes things more exciting. Stories where you don’t know the ending are much more exciting and interesting than the ones you’ve already heard before.

3. You need to get yourself looking, smelling, and tasting as good as you possibly can. I’m not talking about your basic shower and get ready. I mean you need to go all out. You should be choosing what food and drink you consume for an entire day beforehand to make sure none of it is smelly or bloating. No ranch salad dressing or salsa or anything else stinky! And nothing that will bloat your waist. Shave everything, clean everything and do whatever you need to do to get yourself in the top possible condition for how you look and smell. Your hair, your nails, your skin, your makeup, your underwear, everything. I won’t tell you how to do this because you already know, and if not, there are a gazillion magazines and sites you can consult.

4. Plan the setting. I think it is crucially important that first-time sex happens on YOUR turf. It should never be at his place, unless you’ve been there a bunch of times, know exactly how it will be, and can control it (i.e. lighting, music, etc.). I feel very strongly about this, do not allow him to set the scene. You should be setting the scene.

So, if you don’t like your place, get a hotel or use a friend’s house or whatever you need to do. But you need to control the setting. You need to be able to control the mood by getting the perfect lighting, soundscape and temperature. Lighting makes a huge difference in how people look, and no one looks better in harsh bright light than they do in soft dim light. You also don’t want to have sex in total darkness, so you need to be able to do it in a situation with good lighting that makes you look great and feel uninhibited. I’m also a fan of music but you need to be able to choose it and you don’t want radio commercials or anything like that to happen. I recommend the Massive Attack station on Pandora, personally. You want to control the temperature, the background/white noise (if any), whether you have open windows or closed, all this stuff. You also want to think about what happens after sex…are there towels around for cleanup? Where are they? Who’s going to get them? Etc.

It should go without saying that wherever you are, it should be clean, tidy and should smell good.

5. Make sure you consider alcohol intake. Make it available to him, and monitor your and his intake. Most people want at least a drink or two before they do it for the first time, to shed some of their inhibitions. But you don’t want too many, and you definitely don’t want him to have too many. So make sure alcohol is available, but that the drinking is limited to an optimized level to get you both comfortable, but not drunk.

6. As far as the actual sex goes, I don’t think you need to do anything weird or crazy to make it extremely memorable. The basic positions and moves suffice. What makes good sex great is not the moves, it’s the emotion and the intensity. There are two little tricks I learned that will sound incredibly simple (and perhaps cheesy) that ramp sex up from “meh” to “nuclear”, when done with a new guy you don’t really know: making intense eye contact while you’re fucking, and calling him “baby” or other things that imply intimacy and love. I know that’s the opposite of what you might expect from porn or from any of my other advice, which emphasizes being independent and borderline aloof, but during sex, guys love it if you basically act like you are madly in love with them out of desire. You should NOT act like that with a new guy out of the bedroom. But in bed, it works like magic. And honestly, the contrast between being a little aloof and cold out bed, but extremely passionate and emotional in bed will create an addiction-like response in men.

I can’t emphasize enough how important the eye contact thing is. Especially for us internet-denizens, who tend to be more introverted people who might have a hard time making eye contact. It can literally ramp up sexual intensity about 10 times as much as a bunch of complicated, fancy positions.

If you’re brave enough to talk dirty, then go ahead, but I don’t think you should force yourself if you’re not comfortable with it. I think the guy should be leading on this point. The basic point here is that your passion and enthusiasm is the number one factor differentiating ‘okay’ sex from ‘amazing sex’.

7. If you can’t come, fake it. Lol, I know, I am going against every bit of advice you will ever read from anyone. I don’t care. Look, if he’s so good you come the first time (or you make yourself come), then great, congratulations, that’s awesome! But, the chances of that happening are low. So just fake it. If there are arguments with me on this, I’ll get into it, but just remember that what I am advising here is how to make the best impression in the *guy’s mind*, not how to make it the best for you. If he’s on top of his own game, he should be thinking about how to impress you, so leave that for him to worry about. And if he DOES wow you, then yay! But we are talking here about you wowing him. And a guy is never going to remember a sexual experience with a woman who doesn’t come as one of his favorites or top experiences of all time. He just isn’t. For him to love it, he needs to think you come. And anyway, everyone else is faking it – that’s my belief, I think this happens way, way, way more than people think. If he ends up being a keeper, you can teach him how to get you off properly later. Besides, if that’s all you cared about, you’d stay home to masturbate anyway.

8. Don’t dawdle afterwards or wear out your welcome. You should part ways while he’s still high on you and leave him wanting more. Don’t stick around til he gets annoyed. If you’ve followed my instructions, he will be at your house, so it will be his job to leave, and you should let him leave as soon as he wants to – do NOT try to convince him to stay longer. In my experience most guys will stay even if you don’t want them to. But they should get up early in the morning and leave before you get up, or if you have morning sex, then after that. If he really wants to stick around, you can go out to breakfast and then he should leave. But you should not be hanging around all day. The point is, you want him wanting more, you don’t want him totally satiated (and you want to want more yourself).

9. Follow up and let him know how much you enjoyed him sexually (assuming you did), but after that, let him take the lead in how often you stay in contact and he should initiate contact and seeing you again.

If you’ve done your job right, he’ll be well on his way to being sexually addicted to you. If he’s not, then sorry but you should just forget it, because he’s out of your league – you gave your best effort and it didn’t capture him. But if you did, then it’s now HIS job to seek you out and chase you to fuel his addiction and get his next hit. So let him do his job.

~Kryptokate

Kryptokate

13 comments

  1. Let me start with some of the things I totally agree with you on :). First impressions ARE important. It’s always important to look and smell good. Moderation in drinking, always. I love your comments in point 6 too. Intensity and passion make sex HOT! I’m totally with you on point 9 as well. Love him and leave him- until he comes back for more. 😉
    Some things I do differently may be due to necessity, lol. Like, there is no way I’m bringing a guy back to my house for the first time, or almost ever. I have kids and I don’t bring men around my children. Even if they aren’t there, I am leery of guys knowing where I live too soon. Plus, if I have to put effort into cleaning, on top of getting ready before a first date, it just puts me in a bad mood. Again, that is probably because I have kids and its way more work than if you don’t. 😉 I’m perfectly fine and happy and actually prefer a man to take care of the setting where we first have sex.
    Admittedly, I am a bit cold and aloof before sex happens with a man. I don’t like to get into sexy conversations with someone I’m not even sure I want to sleep with. I don’t even like to flirt much until we have met in person. I used to do that kind of thing more, but I found that expectations were sometimes too high, on both sides and then meeting the guy was a disappointment. I’m with you though, that uncertainty helps built tension.
    Faking an orgasm? Not gonna do it. I guess I don’t care if the guy doesn’t see sex with me as the best EVAH… because if I have to fake it, it wasn’t. I guess I prefer when the guy is impressing ME than vice versa. Plus, if I don’t cum the first time, he should work harder the next. 🙂
    I know I should probably be in more of a hurry to get up and leave after sex, but I like to cuddle, if I like the guy, and it’s hard, lol. :p I feel all vulnerable after good sex. I probably, in general, want to hang around longer than him, unless I’m not into him and don’t want to see him again. :/

  2. Great stuff Kate! You’re like a sista from another mutha. Totally agree on the eye contact bit-that gets me going when the girl looks into my eyes right in the throws of it all. Not dawdling is key as well. It can get very annoying if someone won’t leave. In those cases, I eventually say I have things to do and have to take off (if she’s at my place which is why I often prefer hers since I can bail whenever).
    On a related note, why do girls always want to sleep over?? I personally prefer sleeping in my own bed alone. I don’t sleep well at all with someone else right next to me, and don’t get me started on if they snore. They claim its for some kind of intimacy but you’re asleep and have no idea what’s going on around you. I can totally leave in the middle of the night and you’d have no idea.

  3. Gosh this all just seems so exhausting! Number 3 (looking your very best) and 8 (don’t overstay your welcome) are a given in my opinion, but I’ve never thought of most of the other things which are mostly good ideas. The shave everything part, do you mean everything down below 100% clean shaved off? Maybe I’m just speaking from my own experiences, but it’s like us girls try to please guys and make a good impression by shaving down there or whatever and then they just end up giving us std’s or some kind of catchy skin thing that condoms don’t protect against. And when it happens and you realize this plague isn’t going away anytime soon, you start to realize it just seems like such a fantasy world we want to believe in and not like real life at all. Aside from that one depressing caution to you all, I think these are all really good tips.

    I don’t want to agree with number 7 about faking an orgasm though because I don’t think I want to inflate their ego, because a lot of these guys are full of themselves anyways. For the eye contact part, I do that naturally, but it only lasts for a few moments at a time, so it’s not like it’s a constant staring contest the entire time, would that be correct?

    CrabRangoon, I think it’s only polite to allow them sleep over, especially if it is late and you guys have been drinking. Also, if you kick them out right after, they are probably going to develop a case of buyers’ remorse and probably will regret sleeping with you. You would be making them feel like a slut if you make them leave. If they want to go home after, then that’s fine, but you should offer to let them sleep over and let them decide.

  4. I think you’re spot on with points 5 and onward, but the setting up you describe may trip up a lot of otherwise good couplings. I know myself and many guys can get very turned off and annoyed by women who are being too fussy and particular about getting to sex, and I think your admonition to control this first encounter, while definitely a good idea in many ways, could lead the inexperienced to blow it with a lot of guys. Yes, you should control the environment and timing as much as reasonably possible but it has to be done masterfully enough that the guy isn’t aware of much or any of your planning and manipulation, or he will just end up being turned off by the whole thing.
    Don’t forget, guys aren’t just machines that are always ready for sex; we’re human too and we may have particularities of our own regarding when we are ready and when the moment feels right. Making us feel that it is all about you and what you need and that we are obligated to just be ready whenever you get around to it isn’t going to get you very far, at least with a quality guy that has real options when it comes to female companionship.
    Again, not saying you shouldn’t do those things, just that you need to do them carefully enough that your target doesn’t see the workings of your plan. And that may be a bit too much for many of your readers.

  5. I don’t really understand people who are in a rush to get rid of someone they just had sex with, unless you don’t like the person or don’t want to see them again. In that case, yeah, I’m bolting, but if I enjoyed myself and I’m happy and we are connected, I like to bask in all that good feeling. I need time to come down from the high of it all.
    It’s less feeling like a slut (because I don’t care if it’s someone I’m not into) and more taking it like a personal rejection if there isn’t affection. I mean if I walk away from a guy after sex, it probably IS a rejection of sorts, so I don’t like it when its done to me. It would make me much less likely to want another go around. It just feels cold.
    On the other hand, when he’s all cuddly and kissing me and snuggling in bed after and seemingly in no rush to say goodbye, I leave happy and still on cloud nine. Like last night and my millionaire man- sigh….he’s sooo amazing! 🙂 He goes from sort of reserved to ultra hot in bed to all sweet and affectionate, holding and kissing me after, and I love it. 🙂 I’m sure glad he doesn’t try to kick me out, even though he ends up getting like only 2 hours of sleep!

  6. Bulma-
    Shaving leaves you one less STD to worry about- crabs, lol. I’m a fan of shaving it all off too. It’s probably not necessary, but I feel like you can’t go wrong with shaving whereas some guys might not like it if you don’t. It’s pretty much standard in porn nowadays and men do watch a lot of that. It encourages guys to go down on you more and it just seems more hygienic. Personally, I don’t like a guy to be super hairy down there either and prefer him to be shaved or at least trimmed.

  7. Hmm. One guy here who HATES women completely shaved. Well trimmed landing strip, yes, but fully shaved? I don’t want to fuck prepubescents. I am a minority opinion here I guess.
    But as for cunnilingus: are you kidding? Unless you are completely stubble-free it’s like rubbing my face in sandpaper. I end up all raw and chapped and I hate it. Much prefer a little muff to dive into 🙂

  8. When I said shave everything, I just meant everything you’re going to shave, whatever your preference on that is. Like for instance I shave my arms, which I know some people think is strange, but I think it looks weird to have no hair on your legs but hair on your arms (even though my body hair is blonde and fine, I just think it’s looks weird). So whatever you shave when you’re as done up and feeling and looking as good as possible is what you should shave.

    There’s no generic advice on pubic hair because everyone has different tastes. I personally get annoyed at men who shave all theirs off yet it seems like most do nowadays and they don’t usually stop for my benefit (it looks too, frankly, gay for my taste, I like some amount of body hair on men). But if I had to come up with a general rule I’d say whatever the pubic hair style was in porn when the guy came of age is what he prefers…so pretty much if that was the 90s, it means landing strip, after that it means nothing. But also if he’s a hipster into the retro thing it could mean full bush. Again, people vary — this is one of those things you can figure out if you sext or talk sex beforehand.

    I knew I was going to get argument about the faking it thing. Look, for me, the chances that I would actually come the first time I’m with a guy are very close to 0%, so it’s not a big deal for me. And that’s not because it’s difficult to do or guys don’t do the right thing, it’s really much more about my mental state. In order to come I have to really concentrate and focus on myself and I just don’t like to do that the first few times, I’m way more into absorbing and enjoying the experience, I don’t want to have to go all “inward” with it. It actually takes me out of the zone. Also, after I come I am like dead to the world and probably going to fall asleep and be done. So again, not what I want during the first encounter when I want to be savoring the whole thing. I think lots of women are like me and most aren’t going to come the first time, regardless of the man’s skills. It’s not hard to do it’s just kind of boring, put it that way. It’s something I’ve done a million times myself and just isn’t my focus. I do realize that faking contributes to guys’s misconceptions about sex and possibly blows up egos, but oh well. I’m not going to make my own experience worse just for the hypothetical sake of improving things on a macro level, Also, men being super focused on and insistent on you coming and pressuring you about it is really annoying and common. Or insisting that you come FIRST. Also annoying. I prefer to come last because once I do, I’m going to be asleep and not really into still doing it. Though I guess guys feel the same way.

    On sleeping over…I understand what lovergirl is saying about affection, and I definitely think people should be very affectionate afterwards. But I also feel like CrabRangoon in that I just don’t sleep that well next to someone and would prefer to sleep by myself. The only benefit about it is waking up to morning sex, but actually sleeping with someone else in my bed means I’m going to get a way worse night’s sleep. I have a female friend who sleeps over sometimes and she is tiny and doesn’t move a muscle all night so I sleep great with her, but men usually take up way more space, sleep right in the middle of the bed, are loud or snore, and their body temperature runs incredibly hot and I end up sweating and wanting to push them away.

    Also, I’ll be honest, there is only one creature I actually really love sleeping with and that is my cat, who I love to have cuddled up against me when I sleep. But that’s probably not going to happen if a guy sleeps over, so I actually feel like it’s making me miss out on cuddles with my cat and I don’t like that! Lol, yes I know I just basically outed myself as preferring to sleep with a cat than a man, but oh well, it’s the internet and it’s true. 🙂

    Which reminds me, here’s another tip: if you have pets and they like to be with you all the time or sleep in your bed, skip it for the night if it’s your first time, unless you’ve already established that he’s an enormous animal lover AND loves your particular pet. Absent that, assume that most people don’t want a strange dog they don’t know staring at them doing it, or a cat walking around the pillows, and lock your pet out. I’m an animal lover and I wouldn’t want to sleep with a dog or cat I didn’t know, it’s kind of gross if you don’t know the animal and how clean it is. I know all the non-pet people will think I’m crazy for even bringing this up, but many of us do absolutely adore our pets and like to sleep with them, so it’s worth mentioning.

    @ Kurt what you said about stubble is how I feel about a man’s face! Much prefer kissing a guy with a beard (or freshly shaven) to getting my face torn up by sandpaper!

  9. I don’t shave the hair on my arms, but it’s mainly because even if you get super close up and hold my arm to the light, you can barely see the hairs. I don’t FEEL anything by rubbing on them either. Weird, because the hair everywhere else on my body is thick, coarse and hard to get rid of, thank you Mediterranean ancestry. :p
    I’m almost 40 and most of the men I sleep with are around my age. They never complain about me being shaved and most seem to prefer it. I feel sexier without hair, but like Kate said it’s a personal preference thing.
    On orgasms, I get what you are saying. I need to be relaxed too and I hate when men pressure me. I still feel like its a bad idea to fake it. I’d rather they learn how I really work than to get our signals all messed up from the get go.
    Some guys, I sleep with really well 🙂 Others, its more uncomfortable, but I love the ones I can sleep all cuddled up with. It’s just heaven to me to sleep all wrapped up in some big strong arms, in that post- sex bliss. I think I sleep better like that. I don’t even care if he snores a little, if I really like him. I’m just happy to have that body next to me.
    Pets on the bed would drive me nuts though. I don’t think I could deal with sleeping with a man whose animal got in the bed. My dog knows my bed is off limits. My daughter, however, still likes to sleep in my bed (she is 6) and I haven’t tried too hard to kick her out because I like the company. :p
    This discussion reminds me of an episode me and one of the guys I am sleeping with were watching of “Sex Sent Me to the ER” (I think that’s the name of the show) though, lol. Some woman loved her dog so much that it had to be in the room and it attacked the guy during sex and he was way too forgiving and she was still treating the dog better than him. We were like wooowwww…lol My guy said he would have killed the dog if it attacked him like that (his head was bleeding and it was pretty bad) and I’m pretty sure he actually would have, lol.

  10. Lovergirl, Kurt & Kryptokate, I’ve read all of your comments! Kryptokate, I see now what you mean; that it just meant shave everything that you normally would. I never knew a guy could come first?! Can they continue on after that? Maybe you meant they can be first and then they just go down on you or something? Agreed, guys have a very high body temperature; very warm to the touch! Also they do seem to end up in the middle of the bed always, which I’m ok with because having a guy sleep over isn’t an everyday thing. Kurt, what Kryptokate said is true about guys having that sandpaper finish on their face. I guess it needs to be grown out for a few extra days so it isn’t as bristle-y. I didn’t realize that girls could have that same sandpaper feeling down below if they shave, but that’s because I don’t shave it all off anyways.

  11. ” Lol, yes I know I just basically outed myself as preferring to sleep with a cat than a man, but oh well, it’s the internet and it’s true. 🙂”

    I LOVE that! I admit it, too. For sleeping and cuddles! With my pups. I also agree with all your advice about controlling the impression. In my opinion, these points are the TRUE causes of ASD and not a lot of the projections that many men in the manosphere and PUA claim. We want to make the best first impression and show men we have respect for them (and ourselves) but it’s seen as being cold, gold digging or playing games. In my experience, men also appreciate you taking the time to get them amped up sexually. I feel like you make a good point on orgasming (for most women) and it’s true for men. The brain is the largest sexual organ and the older we get, the more as women we are unconsciously aware that sex becomes more of a performance art. Your article is very relevant. Thank you.

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