He Might Be Married If….22 Tip-Offs

By Lovergirl

Lovergirl

I recently discovered that one of the men I am seeing is married.  I’m really not surprised. This has happened to me before, more than once. In fact, I have come across married men on several occasions. Sometimes I feel like a married man MAGNET!  Many of them have not bothered to tell me upfront and some of them outright lied about it.

We don’t have to wonder about WHY men would lie about this. Many women have a hard time understanding because women rarely have to lie about their marital status, even if they want to have an affair. Men, on the other hand, face a much greater possibility of rejection if they TELL a woman they are married.

Not only are women often offended at the idea of being a side piece (while most men are more than happy to acquiesce, if it means more sex), but men are often terrified by the prospect of a woman “losing it” emotionally and doing something to destroy his home life. So he will lie to protect his family, from you, the prospective bunny boiler.

Maybe you don’t give a flying fuck if he’s married or not, and I’m not here to judge.  Still, even if you are okay with it, it is helpful for you to KNOW.  Knowing gives you the ability to decide whether this is a route you want to go down and also to take the precautions necessary to guard your heart. Knowing prevents you from hoping that this “relationship” is going to GO somewhere (because I hope you know that is VERY unlikely with a married man) and from investing too much of yourself into wondering. It also helps keep you from say, moving halfway across the country to marry a man that turns out is already married to someone else and was shady enough to give you HER ring (this actually happened to a friend of mine).

I’ve read a statistic that 30% of men on regular dating sites are actually married men pretending to be single.  That sounds like a lot but I seriously wonder if its an even higher percentage than that. If you have heard anything about the Ashley Madison scandal a while back then you know that married men looking online for sex on the side is a HUGE thing. While those guys were going the obvious route, many are more deceptive. I mean they are guys trying to cheat, or at least fantasizing about it, and they will seek out any avenue they can find. This has probably been going on since the dawn of time, but online dating sites make it exceptionally easy.

Without further ado, let me list some clues, from my own personal experience, that may help you determine his marital status. Please don’t take any one reason as absolute proof, or walk around in paranoia and fear because he’s exhibited a couple of them. Don’t panic, just NOTE them and quietly watch his behavior until you can make a fairly certain assessment. It’s not about being mistrustful, just wise.

Clue #1–  You wonder if he might be married. This is actually a big one. Ask yourself WHY you would even consider this possibility? Good chance your gut is trying to tell you something. SOMETHING is off or you wouldn’t even be questioning in the first place.

Clue #2– He’s never mentioned any details of his divorce and he never talks about his “ex.” Sometimes he refers to the mother of his child(ren) but never actually uses those WORDS.  “Divorce” and “ex” are not part of his vocabulary if he has never had them…

Clue #3– He’s wonderful, amazing, incredible, almost too good to be true!! He’s like your every fantasy come true!! Are you dreaming? And the sex!!! OH MY GOD, how did he get to be sooo good in bed?? Ummmm…. I could speculate on this for awhile but I suspect married men are so often so good because they know they are cheating, even if you don’t, and it heightens the excitement and passion of it all. Many men are cheating partly for the ego stroke too, so if you aren’t more enthralled with him than his wife, it wouldn’t be as fun! He’s working to make sure you stick around. A regular mistress is often a safer option than constantly looking for new strange. Oh, and he probably knows all the things his wife doesn’t like about him, so you might be his chance to be the “perfect” man.

Clue #4– He never takes you to his house. There’s always some reason that seems to make sense, but it leaves you a little curious. Or, he takes you there but he seems oddly jumpy and concerned about his “nosy neighbors” and what they might think, of say, you being parked in his driveway. Maybe you are there but he never takes you in his bedroom. Or, he’s suddenly got OCD when it comes to straightening the sheets afterwards. Did I mention his house is very nicely decorated for a single man?

Clue #5– He’s Dad of the year! Wow, he’s SO involved in his children’s lives for a single father! Isn’t he amazing (see clue #3)!! That and he’s got a GREAT relationship with his ex! He’s helping her out all the time and they never fight or anything! He would never be “that” kind of guy! Gosh, he never even refers to her as his “ex”….

Clue #6– Did I mention he’s SUPER close with his “sister”, his “mom” or his “cousin” (that you have never met)? Like, he even stops to return her texts right before sleeping with you or while you are on a date. Would your brother ever do this for YOU? Yeah, mine either… Oh and when he suddenly disappears for a long period of time some day, its probably because Sis was in the hospital…again…

Clue #7– He’s a workaholic. Cheating men very frequently fall back on their work as an excuse as to why they are unavailable to you. They seem to be working day and night, at very demanding jobs that give them very little free time.

Clue #8– He’s erratic about returning calls and texts. Sometimes, it’s because he was busy at work. Others it’s because he is getting bad cell phone service or he left his phone in the car. Once in awhile its because he’s “in Italy and the texts are hit or miss” even though Tinder shows him as being 11 miles away (cough, cough).

Clue #9– He communicates mostly via text and when he does call its never from his house. He’s wandering around the grocery store, or driving in his car.

Clue #10– He travels a lot. A traveling businessman has the perfect setup for cheating and many of them take full advantage of that. It’s especially telling if he seems to call and text you MORE often when he’s on a business trip, than when he’s at home! Or, he gets super excited about the idea of taking you WITH him, even though he’s way too busy the rest of the time he’s working to pay you much attention. If he actually lives somewhere else and comes to see YOU when he’s on his trips, that’s a possible sign too, especially when he seems totally okay with a long distance relationship and always being the one to travel in your direction.

Clue #11– He’s absent on social media and avoids sharing any of his information with you. He’s super private about everything and worried about people knowing too much. He didn’t even give you his PHONE NUMBER right away and chose to communicate via other means (another app on your phones, dating site emails, etc). Maybe he was slow to show you a face picture too, or insisted on sending it via email “because of his job”… In fact, he seems awfully paranoid about having pics of himself anywhere! He’s not even trying to get you to make a porn video with him!! 😉

Clue #12– He has more than one phone. My latest cheating man has three phones and an Apple watch. All the better to talk to you with, my dear! 😉 Some men may actually need this for work purposes, but again, it makes infidelity sooo much more easier (and more tempting!)

Clue #13– He’s a homebody when he’s not with you. He’s always either working or relaxing at home. He doesn’t like to go out much. The dates taper off quickly and you find yourself at hotels or at your place an awful lot. Or maybe having sex in the car, because he’s super turned on at the idea of public sex. When he does take you out, it’s to someplace other than the places he’s said are his favorites. You know he’s got high class taste in food, but for some reason he’s taking you to Applebees. What gives? Oh, he said he’s tired of the other places because his “boss” takes him there all the time (i.e, he doesn’t want his co-workers to see you or someone that might know his WIFE). Also, instead of taking you to his favorite places, you are going to places he has never gone before. Single men tend to like to show you off to the people who see him regularly and to share their regular stops with you.

Clue #14– He seems to run hot and cold. Sometimes he’s super into you, especially when you are together, but he seems strangely distant when he is away. Where did he go? He pulls these disappearing acts, but he always comes back. If you try to get a hold of HIM, he’s kind of short and curt with you. Weird huh? But when he contacts YOU its a totally different story. What is going on? He’s probably compartmentalizing and trying to keep you separate from his daily life (and his wife, so she won’t find out).

Clue #15– He doesn’t ask you a lot of personal questions about your life. Perhaps because he’s trying to avoid an interrogation from YOU. He seems kind of mysterious. Sure he may talk a lot about himself, but it may be less a case of narcissism and more a case of wanting to make sure he’s in control of the information he gives. Single guys can be very nosy and will try to find out a lot of info. Married men, not so much.

Clue #16– He loves to watch shows like Cheaters or Catfished. Lol. It’s kind of ironic but I have found this to be the case! Haha.

Clue #17– You haven’t met yet and he doesn’t seem to be pushing you for it. In fact he seems to be putting it off. He seems more interested in the fantasy aspect of things, like trying to get you to have phone sex, or cyber sex, or sext marathons, but won’t invite you out for real. Either he’s married and too afraid to take the next step, or YOU are being Catfished! Watch out!! Even if you’ve had sex a few times, if MOST of your encounters seem to be “imaginary” there is probably a reason behind it. He’s afraid of getting caught and is more caught up in the fantasy than the real risk he’s taking.

Clue #18– You notice a pattern to the times he calls, texts, or wants to see you. My latest guy was always booking meets RIGHT after he flew in from out of town, or right before he left again. Hey, when your wife still thinks you are in another state, or that you are gone already, it probably gives you a lot more free time for sex and fun with someone else. Other guys might only call before their wife gets home from work or some other time they know they can get away with it. The clue is, he’s got a pattern and he’s got it down!

Clue #19– He has a really nice car but he never invites you into it. Some guys’ wives are great detectives (like you!) and he doesn’t want to risk missing one of your long blonde hairs on his nice leather seat when he goes to clean it. Single guys love to show off their cars (if they are nice) and will find an excuse to drive you somewhere.

Clue #20– He’s such a great planner! He always lets you know DAYS in advance when he would like to have some time together! Alternatively, he is always calling you at the very last minute, with no warning because he suddenly has some time to himself… He also has to suddenly cancel a lot. That is a big one- married men have “emergencies” fairly frequently.

Clue #21– Unlike the married man that is soooo incredibly good in bed, this one cums in 30 seconds because he’s so excited and afraid of getting caught. They always seem to be one extreme or the other.

Clue #22– He preventatively tells you something like “a lot of women think I’m married because xyz, but I’m not”. He’s covering his ass right away, before you have the chance to ask. This one is probably a serial cheater. He KNOWS something he is doing is going to give you a pause!

Sure, a guy could be doing some of these things and NOT be married. SOME, but if MOST of the above clues are true, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you!!! You can thank me later! 😉 If you have any clues to add to the list, feel free to share your thoughts below!

~Lovergirl

Lovergirl

13 comments

  1. I have to say this is just a mystery to me. If you are dating a guy that is married and don’t know it, then you aren’t paying attention. “Clue” number #4 is all that is required. And it isn’t a clue it is a FREAKING FLASHING NEON SIGN that says I AM MARRIED!!!!!
    If a guy is from out of town, you have to know there is at least some chance he is married. To not suspect this might be the case with an out of town guy is idiotic. If he isn’t from out of town, I cannot imagine why he wouldn’t take you back to his place unless he’s married / lives with his girlfriend / etc.
    The reason 22 of your 21 clues are unnecessary is that the reason most women don’t realize the guy is married is because THEY DON’T WANT TO KNOW. At some level they know he is (or at least probably is) married but like him so they don’t want to officially know he is married until things progress.
    This is bizarre logic to me but I have seen it sooooooo many times. A few years ago I was talking with a female friend of mine. The conversation went something like this:
    Her: “I am seeing this amazing guy. He is gorgeous, smart, amazing in bed, super smart and successful. But he only ever wants to see me on Tuesdays. Why do you think that is?”
    Me: “He’s married.”
    Her: “No. He is just really busy. He works a lot.”
    Me: “He’s married.”
    Her: “But he took me somewhere on my birthday and got me some nice earrings.”
    Me: “He’s married.”
    Her: “But couldn’t there be another reason?”
    Me: “Sure. There could be. But there isn’t. He’s married.”
    Spoiler alert. He was married.
    Ladies, take some responsibility here. Guys really aren’t that bright and even the best of them can’t cover their tracks very long. A quick Google search will tell you all you need to know most times. I have seen women that are like a CSI forensic team when it comes to counting condoms or looking for hairs (not his or yours) on a guy’s bathroom floor (don’t lie ladies you know you have done both) when you already know the answer.
    If you are hooking up with a guy that is from out-of-town or you have never been to his place before you have sex there is at least a 75% chance he is married or has a serious girlfriend. Simple as that.
    The other HUGE mistake women make is they date guys that are “separated.” You have to understand what the definition of separated means to most men. If a guy hasn’t seen his wife since breakfast that is separated in his mind. If you are fucking a guy that is “separated” just know there is a significant chance he is married. When it turns out he wants to “give it one more chance” with his wife “for the “kid’s sake” after fucking you a dozen times, don’t blame him. Blame yourself. Separated men are still married.
    Happy hunting ladies.

  2. Dawson-
    You know, I don’t have guys in my house almost ever, and its because I have kids. So there could be a legitimate excuse for that. I know at least one guy, who I was sleeping with for a few months and never saw his house, but I know for a fact he was not married. He got married a few months ago, but he wasn’t during the time I was having sex with him (a couple years ago) or dating anyone seriously. He lived a couple hours away and legitimately traveled through my city once a week. Sure, most of the time he probably is married, but I guess we want to believe the best about guys we like.
    Also, just because he takes you to his house, does not mean he is NOT married! I know several married, or otherwise taken men, that sleep around, that have RENTAL homes! Many times they are furnished and currently empty. It’s actually something I maybe should have added as a clue, lol.. If he has rental homes….he might just be cheating… I know one guy that has 5 houses and another that offered me $3000 a month to live in one, have his baby and be his full time mistress (!!!). My grandpa actually had 3 extra houses where he had “kept” women, and at least one illegitimate child that my Dad found out about in his 40’s. So, it’s been happening for a long time.
    I’ve also been in married men’s homes when their wife was gone, so some guys are willing to take the risk. One guy seriously fed me some lasagna his wife had made for dinner and introduced me to his brother in law (hopefully his sister’s husband, lol) and baby nephew while we watched Cheaters on tv. Then he proceeded to try and pull a surprise gangbang on me in the guest room. I had slept with him before but had no idea he was married until I went to his house.
    I’ve had others bring me to their house and I still couldn’t “prove” it but was pretty darn sure. Men are sneakier than you think, especially the compulsive cheaters. These guys know exactly what they are doing. The idea that men aren’t capable of hiding this stuff might be true for your average guy, but not the serial cheaters, they are slick.
    I don’t think that its always that we just don’t want to know. That may be it some of the time, but others women are honestly naive. They just aren’t expecting guys to be lying about their marital status and don’t realize how often this happens. Women are much less likely to lie about this so it comes as more of a shock.
    We don’t want to be that jaded, mistrustful woman that every guy complains about, yet this kind of stuff happens all the time. If we like him, we are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, even to the point of making excuses for suspicious behavior.
    It actually can be pretty difficult to find information online about whether or not a guy is married. This last guy, I only found proof because he and his wife both have unusual names. So I was able to find a relatives facebook page where she was tagged in a photo with him wearing his wedding ring. They both had their pages private so I almost didn’t find anything.
    Anyway, I think many women could definitely use these tips. 😉

  3. “I guess we want to believe the best about guys we like.”
    That is what is really going on in almost all cases. A wise mentor of mine once told me, “At some level the truth is always known.”

    “I’ve also been in married men’s homes when their wife was gone, so some guys are willing to take the risk.”
    How is he going to get rid of all her clothes, bathroom items, pictures? He might take the risk (because he’s retarded and you probably shouldn’t be dating him anyway) but he won’t fool you into thinking he isn’t married unless you are an idiot.

    “Men are sneakier than you think, especially the compulsive cheaters.”
    Perhaps but if you are paying attention it is obvious as hell. It isn’t about being jaded or cynical at all but simply paying attention to what’s right in front of you.

    “Then he proceeded to try and pull a surprise gangbang on me in the guest room.”
    If this type of thing is happening to you then you are missing some VERY VERY obvious flags. Only a complete sociopath would do such a thing. Your radar is seriously lacking if this is happening to you.

    I have been out with women that were married or just women that were players. It is OBVIOUS. Just pay attention to what they say and how they behave and all is revealed. The issue is that women know what’s going on but they don’t want to know “because he’s such a great guy.”

  4. I agree with you that is sometimes the case but I wouldn’t say always, or even necessarily “most”. I have been in guys homes where they had rooms with the door shut and I never asked to go in them, same with bathrooms
    Sure if you’ve been dating for months you would probably figure it out, but the point is to try and find out BEFORE you get too emotionally attached. That is the opposite of what these guys want and they can and do fool women for awhile.
    One guy, I went to his house and I am pretty sure he took pics down and hid them, because when he opened his closet for a moment I saw what looked like they might be family photos or something but I only saw the backs of the picture frames. You have to be paying attention and looking for clues to find them. One guy that had a live in girlfriend, I didn’t find out until after we had been lounging around naked all day in his home and I discovered a makeup bag in his bathroom and was like wtf! It was sitting out but some guys would hide it and its not like its ok to just go digging through someones stuff.
    As far as the incident where someone tried to pull a surprise gangbang on me- those things happen and you can’t expect women to be psychic. Sure I may have felt a little anxious, but no I wouldnt have KNOWN that. I would be careful not to assume women have super powers because that can become victim blaming.

  5. “I know one guy that has 5 houses and another that offered me $3000 a month to live in one, have his baby and be his full time mistress (!!!). My grandpa actually had 3 extra houses where he had “kept” women, and at least one illegitimate child that my Dad found out about in his 40’s.”

    Good lord!! No wonder I don’t go for rich guys. 😛

  6. @ Dawson I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. I don’t think women in general expect guys to lie about marital status. Call it naive, but most people consider that a serious fringe behavior and not something that happens commonly. It’s much more common than people think and women who are dating a guy who ends up to be already married or with a serious girlfriend are usually legitimately and honestly shocked.

    Just like LOTS of guys are legitimately clueless about the possibility of their wife/girlfriend cheating on them. Our culture makes these things seem highly unusual and only for almost-sociopaths. It’s not people’s fault that they’re lied to their whole life about how common infidelity is. I agree with lovergirl that you’re sort of blaming the trusting person who falls for direct and often very effective purposeful attempts at deception. I can also say, as someone who has cheated on boyfriends in the past, that deception is much easier than many people think (I was never caught). Everyone likes to think they can tell when they’re being lied to, but they can’t. Not even a polygraph can. Hell, my parents thought they could tell when I was lying as a teenager, and they could not have been more wrong. People in general have an illusion of control. Arguably there’s a deliberate suspension of disbelief at the societal level, because people would literally go insane if they were forced to confront the reality of sexual desire and behavior in the context of long-term relationships, but I don’t think individual women are purposefully deceiving themselves when an individual man does everything in his power to seem single.

    Most women don’t expect a man who is taking them on a date and wooing them to be married, and are shocked to find out he is. I’ve only had that happen to me once and I had no idea, until I realized that he was only texting me at the exact times that most people don’t text (i.e. during work) and never during the times that most people do (i.e. in the morning and at night). And I am a pretty damn cynical person, but even I was shocked.

    Good list, lovergirl.

  7. @KryptoKate
    Your example of your daytime texter proves my point. If you are paying attention the signs are really obvious. No one, not even a pathological liar (and I dated one) can cover their tracks for very long if you are actually paying attention. Weeks at most. You know how a guy acts when he is into you and only you. You also know how a guy acts when he’s hedging his bets with other ladies.
    The issue is people (both men and women) try to talk themselves into things because there is a lot in a person that they do like about a person and don’t want to “ruin it” by seeing the bad stuff.. I mean if the thought even crossed your mind that you want to check your man’s phone when he goes to the bathroom, you already know the answer. If you are counting his condoms in his bedside drawer you already know the answer. If you are looking for women’s hair (not yours) on his bathroom floor you already know the answer.
    LoverGirl’s list is fine…but you don’t need a list. People just need to take their head of or their asses and pay attention and all is revealed.
    And for the record it has nothing to do with being cynical. I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt but I simply pay attention to what people do and say. I have been cheated on but I have never been surprised.

  8. Dawson, you’re right that people deceive themselves with their hopes. And ignore what they don’t want to be true. I definitely have girlfriends that do that and after the inevitable meltdown occurs will say things like “I knew but I didn’t want it to be true.” However, I also think that there are some people who are just really good at deception. So it really depends. Especially if you don’t have a lot to compare. The more experience you have with the opposite sex, the better you’ll get at reading them intuitively. But you have a lot more experience than most Dawson. Not everyone has that body of knowledge to draw on when making judgments.

  9. You can ask questions related to him being married in a casual I don’t mind married men way like its taken for granted you know and you’re fine with it and see if he dumps himself in it, a lot of the time they have a few interests on the go and cant remember who they told what to. Even just saying “I can always tell which men are married” they become preoccupied with how you know trying to work out if you’ ve pegged them, a few have asked “how did you know?” (because you just told me) I’ve caught so many men out this way.

    Another clue is theyre cocky, women ask “why do I attract married men?” Because married men can go balls out with nothing to loose if they get shot down, they can ask every woman they meet where single men are more selective and reserved, they don’t front up as often. It seems like you’re attracting married men when really they’re just playing the numbers so you see more of them.

    Best way to duck married guys is to date through acquaintances, someone will know his marital status, and don’t buy into the “my wife is such a bitch” ploy, “bitch” just means she calls him on his shit.

  10. Interesting thoughts, Creep Magnet (nice name, lol). It is interesting how little married men seem to feel they have to lose. I guess most of them aren’t really that worried about losing their wives. They know they will come back to them with endless forgiveness.
    I had a guy yesterday, when I was working, who was all over me. He was picking me up off the ground, telling me he thinks I’m beautiful, and asking me out on a future date. Then he sent me a friend request on Facebook. His profile picture is him and his 8 months or so pregnant wife. This doesn’t seem to factor into anything because he just messaged me a few minutes ago and he’s definitely still hitting on me. No shame, whatsoever….

  11. To avoid married guys, the best way is to take things slow. No sex, nothing physical for the first 90 days, at least. Or date guys who are young, <30 years old. Or pay to perform detail background check on marital status and criminal record.
    I disagree that most women who got involved in married men unknowlingly are the ones who ignore warning signs and only have themselves to blame because they talked themselves into it. Because psychopaths, narcissists and con men exist. One out of 100 guys are just that. They are scammers and people get scammed everyday. Also, depending on the type of guys that your date, many professions trained people to be consummate liars and provide ample opportunities to lie. Actors, performers, models, salesmen, cops to name a few. Men in these lines of professions are trained to put on a persona, work weird hours, travel alot. I would even put in lawyers who practice international law or doctors in the ER.
    The only test is their level of INTEGRITY. Are they honest to everybody they meet? Do they tell white lies? Do they treat the waiter/doorman/strangers in a nice and considerate way? If not, they are potential narcissists who are only out for themselves! A person with INTEGRITY in all aspects of his/her life will not cheat!

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