I recently discovered that one of the men I am seeing is married. I’m really not surprised. This has happened to me before, more than once. In fact, I have come across married men on several occasions. Sometimes I feel like a married man MAGNET! Many of them have not bothered to tell me upfront and some of them outright lied about it.
We don’t have to wonder about WHY men would lie about this. Many women have a hard time understanding because women rarely have to lie about their marital status, even if they want to have an affair. Men, on the other hand, face a much greater possibility of rejection if they TELL a woman they are married.
Not only are women often offended at the idea of being a side piece (while most men are more than happy to acquiesce, if it means more sex), but men are often terrified by the prospect of a woman “losing it” emotionally and doing something to destroy his home life. So he will lie to protect his family, from you, the prospective bunny boiler.
Maybe you don’t give a flying fuck if he’s married or not, and I’m not here to judge. Still, even if you are okay with it, it is helpful for you to KNOW. Knowing gives you the ability to decide whether this is a route you want to go down and also to take the precautions necessary to guard your heart. Knowing prevents you from hoping that this “relationship” is going to GO somewhere (because I hope you know that is VERY unlikely with a married man) and from investing too much of yourself into wondering. It also helps keep you from say, moving halfway across the country to marry a man that turns out is already married to someone else and was shady enough to give you HER ring (this actually happened to a friend of mine).
I’ve read a statistic that 30% of men on regular dating sites are actually married men pretending to be single. That sounds like a lot but I seriously wonder if its an even higher percentage than that. If you have heard anything about the Ashley Madison scandal a while back then you know that married men looking online for sex on the side is a HUGE thing. While those guys were going the obvious route, many are more deceptive. I mean they are guys trying to cheat, or at least fantasizing about it, and they will seek out any avenue they can find. This has probably been going on since the dawn of time, but online dating sites make it exceptionally easy.
Without further ado, let me list some clues, from my own personal experience, that may help you determine his marital status. Please don’t take any one reason as absolute proof, or walk around in paranoia and fear because he’s exhibited a couple of them. Don’t panic, just NOTE them and quietly watch his behavior until you can make a fairly certain assessment. It’s not about being mistrustful, just wise.
Clue #1– You wonder if he might be married. This is actually a big one. Ask yourself WHY you would even consider this possibility? Good chance your gut is trying to tell you something. SOMETHING is off or you wouldn’t even be questioning in the first place.
Clue #2– He’s never mentioned any details of his divorce and he never talks about his “ex.” Sometimes he refers to the mother of his child(ren) but never actually uses those WORDS. “Divorce” and “ex” are not part of his vocabulary if he has never had them…
Clue #3– He’s wonderful, amazing, incredible, almost too good to be true!! He’s like your every fantasy come true!! Are you dreaming? And the sex!!! OH MY GOD, how did he get to be sooo good in bed?? Ummmm…. I could speculate on this for awhile but I suspect married men are so often so good because they know they are cheating, even if you don’t, and it heightens the excitement and passion of it all. Many men are cheating partly for the ego stroke too, so if you aren’t more enthralled with him than his wife, it wouldn’t be as fun! He’s working to make sure you stick around. A regular mistress is often a safer option than constantly looking for new strange. Oh, and he probably knows all the things his wife doesn’t like about him, so you might be his chance to be the “perfect” man.
Clue #4– He never takes you to his house. There’s always some reason that seems to make sense, but it leaves you a little curious. Or, he takes you there but he seems oddly jumpy and concerned about his “nosy neighbors” and what they might think, of say, you being parked in his driveway. Maybe you are there but he never takes you in his bedroom. Or, he’s suddenly got OCD when it comes to straightening the sheets afterwards. Did I mention his house is very nicely decorated for a single man?
Clue #5– He’s Dad of the year! Wow, he’s SO involved in his children’s lives for a single father! Isn’t he amazing (see clue #3)!! That and he’s got a GREAT relationship with his ex! He’s helping her out all the time and they never fight or anything! He would never be “that” kind of guy! Gosh, he never even refers to her as his “ex”….
Clue #6– Did I mention he’s SUPER close with his “sister”, his “mom” or his “cousin” (that you have never met)? Like, he even stops to return her texts right before sleeping with you or while you are on a date. Would your brother ever do this for YOU? Yeah, mine either… Oh and when he suddenly disappears for a long period of time some day, its probably because Sis was in the hospital…again…
Clue #7– He’s a workaholic. Cheating men very frequently fall back on their work as an excuse as to why they are unavailable to you. They seem to be working day and night, at very demanding jobs that give them very little free time.
Clue #8– He’s erratic about returning calls and texts. Sometimes, it’s because he was busy at work. Others it’s because he is getting bad cell phone service or he left his phone in the car. Once in awhile its because he’s “in Italy and the texts are hit or miss” even though Tinder shows him as being 11 miles away (cough, cough).
Clue #9– He communicates mostly via text and when he does call its never from his house. He’s wandering around the grocery store, or driving in his car.
Clue #10– He travels a lot. A traveling businessman has the perfect setup for cheating and many of them take full advantage of that. It’s especially telling if he seems to call and text you MORE often when he’s on a business trip, than when he’s at home! Or, he gets super excited about the idea of taking you WITH him, even though he’s way too busy the rest of the time he’s working to pay you much attention. If he actually lives somewhere else and comes to see YOU when he’s on his trips, that’s a possible sign too, especially when he seems totally okay with a long distance relationship and always being the one to travel in your direction.
Clue #11– He’s absent on social media and avoids sharing any of his information with you. He’s super private about everything and worried about people knowing too much. He didn’t even give you his PHONE NUMBER right away and chose to communicate via other means (another app on your phones, dating site emails, etc). Maybe he was slow to show you a face picture too, or insisted on sending it via email “because of his job”… In fact, he seems awfully paranoid about having pics of himself anywhere! He’s not even trying to get you to make a porn video with him!! 😉
Clue #12– He has more than one phone. My latest cheating man has three phones and an Apple watch. All the better to talk to you with, my dear! 😉 Some men may actually need this for work purposes, but again, it makes infidelity sooo much more easier (and more tempting!)
Clue #13– He’s a homebody when he’s not with you. He’s always either working or relaxing at home. He doesn’t like to go out much. The dates taper off quickly and you find yourself at hotels or at your place an awful lot. Or maybe having sex in the car, because he’s super turned on at the idea of public sex. When he does take you out, it’s to someplace other than the places he’s said are his favorites. You know he’s got high class taste in food, but for some reason he’s taking you to Applebees. What gives? Oh, he said he’s tired of the other places because his “boss” takes him there all the time (i.e, he doesn’t want his co-workers to see you or someone that might know his WIFE). Also, instead of taking you to his favorite places, you are going to places he has never gone before. Single men tend to like to show you off to the people who see him regularly and to share their regular stops with you.
Clue #14– He seems to run hot and cold. Sometimes he’s super into you, especially when you are together, but he seems strangely distant when he is away. Where did he go? He pulls these disappearing acts, but he always comes back. If you try to get a hold of HIM, he’s kind of short and curt with you. Weird huh? But when he contacts YOU its a totally different story. What is going on? He’s probably compartmentalizing and trying to keep you separate from his daily life (and his wife, so she won’t find out).
Clue #15– He doesn’t ask you a lot of personal questions about your life. Perhaps because he’s trying to avoid an interrogation from YOU. He seems kind of mysterious. Sure he may talk a lot about himself, but it may be less a case of narcissism and more a case of wanting to make sure he’s in control of the information he gives. Single guys can be very nosy and will try to find out a lot of info. Married men, not so much.
Clue #16– He loves to watch shows like Cheaters or Catfished. Lol. It’s kind of ironic but I have found this to be the case! Haha.
Clue #17– You haven’t met yet and he doesn’t seem to be pushing you for it. In fact he seems to be putting it off. He seems more interested in the fantasy aspect of things, like trying to get you to have phone sex, or cyber sex, or sext marathons, but won’t invite you out for real. Either he’s married and too afraid to take the next step, or YOU are being Catfished! Watch out!! Even if you’ve had sex a few times, if MOST of your encounters seem to be “imaginary” there is probably a reason behind it. He’s afraid of getting caught and is more caught up in the fantasy than the real risk he’s taking.
Clue #18– You notice a pattern to the times he calls, texts, or wants to see you. My latest guy was always booking meets RIGHT after he flew in from out of town, or right before he left again. Hey, when your wife still thinks you are in another state, or that you are gone already, it probably gives you a lot more free time for sex and fun with someone else. Other guys might only call before their wife gets home from work or some other time they know they can get away with it. The clue is, he’s got a pattern and he’s got it down!
Clue #19– He has a really nice car but he never invites you into it. Some guys’ wives are great detectives (like you!) and he doesn’t want to risk missing one of your long blonde hairs on his nice leather seat when he goes to clean it. Single guys love to show off their cars (if they are nice) and will find an excuse to drive you somewhere.
Clue #20– He’s such a great planner! He always lets you know DAYS in advance when he would like to have some time together! Alternatively, he is always calling you at the very last minute, with no warning because he suddenly has some time to himself… He also has to suddenly cancel a lot. That is a big one- married men have “emergencies” fairly frequently.
Clue #21– Unlike the married man that is soooo incredibly good in bed, this one cums in 30 seconds because he’s so excited and afraid of getting caught. They always seem to be one extreme or the other.
Clue #22– He preventatively tells you something like “a lot of women think I’m married because xyz, but I’m not”. He’s covering his ass right away, before you have the chance to ask. This one is probably a serial cheater. He KNOWS something he is doing is going to give you a pause!
Sure, a guy could be doing some of these things and NOT be married. SOME, but if MOST of the above clues are true, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you!!! You can thank me later! 😉 If you have any clues to add to the list, feel free to share your thoughts below!