4 Categories of Guy Problems

By Kryptokate

Kryptokate

Women have a million and one man problems, but when it comes to dating I think that most of them fall into one of four broad categories.

1. You can’t get a date.

If this is your problem, there is only one reason, and it’s that you’re not physically attractive enough. The reason that I know it’s the problem is because attractive women get offers for dates regardless of how mean, dumb, or boring their personality is. Sad but true. Any woman above a simple threshold level of attractiveness, who participates in society at all, can get dates. So if you truly can’t get any and don’t understand why, it’s because you don’t look attractive enough (to men). Your friends and family won’t want to tell you this because they care about you and your feelings regardless of how you look, so you can’t rely on their advice.

Almost all women understand this very well, so I’m not going to waste a lot of time on it. But the bottom line is that (heterosexual) men like fit, youthful, pretty women. There’s no getting around it. And it’s the minimum acceptable threshold for a man looking for a woman, so it’s what you have to present if you want dates. If you’re overweight, or have bad hair or teeth, or don’t dress to show your figure, or don’t bother to wear makeup, just accept that those things are the price of attracting men, and no amount of morals or principles will change it.

If you can’t get a date at all, it means there’s not even a market for what you have to offer. There’s no demand at all. You need to make what you’re offering more appealing and generate some demand.

2. You can’t get a date with the “right” kind of guy.

This is a different problem from the woman who can’t get dates AT ALL, and a much more common problem. You can get dates, but not from the type of man you want. The only guys who ask you out are much older, overweight, unemployed, or otherwise not what you desire.  In general, the problem here is that your expectations and desires are not aligned with what you are offering to men.

Women don’t like to think of dating and romance this way, but it’s really a market that operates on free-market principles of supply and demand.  Men look for certain basic things (pretty, sexy, kind, healthy, classy, etc) and then each guy has his quirks. Women do the same. And they both compare all the options and pick the best one they can get. The problem is that people deem themselves to be “worth” a certain type of person, regardless of what their market competition is. But in a market, the value of something is not determined on an objective scale but based on supply (and thus, competition), and the strength of demand. So even when demand is high, if supply is also high, it doesn’t matter.

So for example, one might be pretty, but if they are a college student on a campus full of pretty sorority girls, then being pretty isn’t really worth much to a guy because although the demand is high, so is the supply. So a girl can’t get a top guy just being pretty. She needs to have other outstanding features. If you live somewhere without a high supply of pretty girls – say, Alaska, you can probably date basically any man you want if you’re a good-looking woman.

The bottom line here is that if you can’t get the caliber of men you want, you either need to adjust your expectations, increase your “market value” by upping your game, or moving to someplace where the supply of desirable women is lower relative to men.

3. You get dates with the right guys, but they use you for sex.

This is a very common complaint, and it’s what happens when you get tons of dates and hook-ups, but guys aren’t offering to get into long-term relationships with you or commit to you. They send you penis pics, they hook up with you and then don’t text afterwards, or they only text you once a month for a booty call when they’re horny and their first option wasn’t available.

What’s going on here is that you’re sexy and attractive enough, and you’re available, but men don’t see you as “relationship material” – which can be for a variety of reasons, but if this happens regularly it’s because men don’t generally perceive you to be classy, socially proper, and “hard to obtain” enough for their taste.

Yes, it’s conflicting and “unfair” that men desire hot, sexy, slutty women, but don’t really want them for relationships. It’s also a reality that isn’t going to change. If a woman seems like she sleeps with any guy, or she gets drunk too often, or she seems dumb, or she has too many kids, or she can’t hold down a real job, or any number of other things that don’t make a woman quality commitment material, guys will just see you as fun for sex but not for a relationship.

Now personally, I think women should just get over their desire for committed relationships and use guys for sex right back, but I can’t seem to convince enough women to take this attitude. Therefore, if you want men offering to commit to you, you gotta be classy, or at least pretend to be. You have to be the type of woman a guy can’t believe would want to be with him, and that he thinks he’s lucky to have snagged. A woman who most guys can’t get. A woman his parents and boss will approve of and his friends will be jealous of.  This mostly means being socially restrained and seemingly difficult to get. It’s a dumb game but I assure you it works very well.

4. Guys pressure you for relationships and fall in love when you don’t want them to.

There’s only two reasons this happens. One is that you’re on top of your game and at the top of the dating market and you’re the girl every guy wishes to lock down. In other words, you’re:

– Hot
– Smart
– Fun
– Interesting
– Laid back
– Low drama
– Have a good job
– Love sex
– Don’t have tons of baggage
– Don’t chase commitment.

If so, congratulations, you win. Now your job is to manage people’s emotions by letting them down easy.

The other reason this happens is because you date way below your league. You have low self-esteem or abandonment issues so you date guys “below” you because you know they won’t leave. You’re the best girl they’ll ever get, so of course they get terribly attached. This is to be expected when people give a shot to someone that is clearly well below them in the dating market. The lower-market person will fall madly in the love and the higher-market person will be stuck trying to extricate themselves from the relationship without hurting feelings.

This is why, like with Kevin Hart’s joke about how people should “stay in their own financial lane” and not hang out with friends who make way more money than them, I advise people to stay in their own dating lane. If you try to date a guy who is much more in-demand on the dating market than you are, you’ll end up falling for him and he’ll end up making you feel used for sex. If you try to be nice and give a chance to guy who is way below your dating lane, he’ll end up hopelessly falling for you, following you around like a puppy dog, potentially stalking you, and being terribly hurt, sad, angry, or hostile when you finally break up with him (which you will).

In sum: it isn’t a really nice thought, but dating is a market that obeys the laws of supply and demand. There’s a flea market, a mass market, niche markets, and a luxury market. Figure out where you fit in and work the market to your best advantage. It isn’t romantic or cute or heart-warming, but it’s the truth, and things make much more sense once you start thinking of them this way.

~Kryptokate

Kryptokate

9 comments

  1. While all of this sounds very reasonable and logical, I think sometimes it is less black and white. Sometimes a woman can’t get a date because she is shy or doesn’t know where to look. Sometimes she is drawing in the wrong men because she doesn’t know how to filter them out and find the right ones. Sometimes it is not a matter of lack of class that keeps a woman in the “sex only” category, but a matter of being attracted to men who only want sex from ANYONE and aren’t ready to settle down. If a man you don’t want falls in love with you or wants a relationship, it may be less being “on top of your game” and more that he is a needy person or sees you as way above his league even though you DON’T have the proper qualities for a relationship with him. Some (many) men have Madonna/Whore complex and will be intimidated by a woman who “loves sex” and NOT want her for a relationship simply because of that. Others seek out women who are full of drama for relationships. It’s not always that cut and dry.

  2. About #3. If a guy is using you for sex, doesn’t that alone make him not the right kind of guy? I think a lot of it has to do with respect. Some men just don’t respect anyone no matter how a woman is, and that’s why he does things like sends dick pics and tries to sleep with you on the first date. Ultimately, there are some that you just won’t be able to inspire the willingness to commit. What has worked for me is being the way I want to be for myself, not for anyone else. When you set up your boundaries in a way that keeps the fuckboys away, you open up your market for better quality men. There’s really no right way to act or dress, as long as you are happy, interesting, and you believe in yourself. It’s like thinking from the position of letting the right guy find you rather than trying to do this and do that (things you wouldn’t do otherwise) just to find the right now.

  3. Something that was said in reason number one made a lot of sense; the part about if you are out and not wearing makeup, then accept that the price you pay is not attracting men. This is probably exactly why no guys ever talked to me when I’m out running or biking on the trails, because I’m not wearing any makeup, sometimes wearing grubby clothes and getting sweaty. However, I had a lot of luck with online dating, because they see my pictures and then when I’d meet them in real life I looked really nice, some eye makeup, dressed nice. I bet those same guys from online would have never stopped me to say hi if they had first seen me outside.

  4. @Kryptokate
    I have to tell you what a fan of yours I am. Your writing is clear, intelligent and above all, fair minded. I probably agree with over 90%+ of what you write but even when I don’t agree with you, your points are fairly and rationally made.

    This is a great post and your really nailed it. I do take issue with a couple of small things though.

    You state, “…it’s conflicting and “unfair” that men desire hot, sexy, slutty women, but don’t really want them for relationships. It’s also a reality that isn’t going to change. If a woman seems like she sleeps with any guy, or she gets drunk too often, or she seems dumb, or she has too many kids, or she can’t hold down a real job, or any number of other things that don’t make a woman quality commitment material”

    I think that many men want a hot, sexy, slutty women for a relationship. So long as they don’t feel she is slutty with just any guy. We don’t need a woman to be a virgin but we do want someone that is at least somewhat discriminating. I wouldn’t even consider pursuing a relationship with someone that wasn’t extremely open minded and adventurous in bed (nice way of saying slutty). I do agree that men don’t want to pursue a relationship with a drunk, an idiot, a women with tons of kids, a financial train wreck, etc…but how is that unfair? People only want to pursue relationships with people that at least generally have their shit together.

    “…isn’t a really nice thought, but dating is a market that obeys the laws of supply and demand…It isn’t romantic or cute or heart-warming, but it’s the truth.”

    Supply and demand economics are about as fair as anything gets in life. I would argue that if people take your advice and “stay in their dating lane” people would find much greater happiness. In fact, in my experience the best situation is when BOTH people feel the other person is just a slight bit out of their league. That keeps people from getting complacent and being the best versions of themselves. Being objective about who to pursue a relationship with in no way reduces your ability to be romantic. But at least you will be spending your romantic energy on someone that is a good fit for you.

  5. @Lovergirl
    I know I simplify things — that’s my nature. I like to try to drill down to first principles and take a 20,000 foot view of things, rather than worry about details. Of course on a micro-level, there are additional complexities, but looking at the big picture, I think market principles really do explain and predict most of what you see going on between men and women.

    Sure, we all have our quirks and likes and dislikes. For me, a guy NOT being religious is a huge plus, while for others that’s a dealkiller. But still, market principles apply and I seek out my best option. Some people are looking for a modern urban condo and others for a rustic country villa — different tastes, different markets. But whether you’re selling a condo or a country villa, you are still going to sell to the highest bidder, not to someone who offers to pay you less.

    In relationships, there are a lot of ways to provide value to someone…by being funny, or comforting, or interesting, or providing entre to social circles and increased status, or sex, or all kinds of things. But people generally do not seek to invest in someone who offers them less value than they do in someone else who provides more. And people are willing to invest more (in terms of their time, attention, and affection) in people they deem to be more “worth” it.
    I think people understand this on a subconscious level even if they consciously rebel against the idea. Otherwise they wouldn’t say things like “I’m worth it” or “I deserve more” or “she’s out of his league” — those are all market-based thoughts that show the offense it causes when someone offers less than market rates and expects more in return.

  6. @ Ashley I agree with you to a certain extent. I don’t think people should pretend to be something totally different than what they are, for the simple reason that it’s very hard to keep a facade up long-term, and most people can see through it anyway. People should figure out what their niche is and play to that market rather than try to appeal to a group of people who aren’t interested in what they have to offer. So yes, to a certain extent I agree.

    BUT, I also think it’s a lot easier for someone who has a lot of options to say things like “just be yourself” than it is for someone who doesn’t. I’ve read a bunch of your comments and you’re clearly cool and smart and funny — I’m sure you can easily get away with “being yourself” and still have plenty of guys who are interested. But I don’t think that’s true for everyone. And adding some game will help most people.

    I also think that a guy will “use” a certain woman for sex and not another. I think almost everyone has a price at which they would be willing to foreclose their other options in order to lock someone down. It might be an extravagantly high price, but I think most people have it. That said, there is of course a range of sexual appetites and some people are more satisfied with monogamy than others.

    We all have to pay SOME price in relationships, romantic or otherwise. If I had my own way, I would only ever wear sweatpants and sneakers, would have my hair in a bun, and never wear makeup. That’s how I’m comfortable and that’s what I wear at home when I’m alone. But to attract men sexually, I have to make myself uncomfortable to look more visually appealing for them. To attract clients for my job, I have to wear professional, uncomfortable clothes that I wouldn’t otherwise. We all make compromises. My only hope is that if I live to be 70, I’ll have enough cash stashed in the bank, and I’ll no longer want to (or be capable of) attracting men sexually, so I won’t give a fuck and will just get to do, say, dress, and act exactly how I like. 😉

  7. @ Dawson

    Thanks. You are right, market mechanics ARE fair. Or at least, there isn’t a more fair way to divvy out who gets lucky and who isn’t lucky — at least that I can think of.

    I suppose I didn’t quite mean that it isn’t “fair” but that it doesn’t sit right with people emotionally. Perhaps precisely because it is so coldly rational and objective. For whatever reason, people yearn for magic and mystery and unseen forces at work in the universe. They want to think that there is an ineffable “connection” with someone, not that you can break it all down and explain it rationally.

    I don’t really know why this is. I am about the most unsentimental, objective, principle-rather-than-emotion based person you’ll meet, and even I sometimes feel the pull of desire for the mystical, the little yearn of wistfulness towards when I used to be a kid and believe more in magic.

    I agree with you that it’s best if two people are basically in the same “league” or at the same level, and mutually feel like they’re lucky to have the other and that they have to keep up the work to keep them. Not so much that their life becomes a stressful disaster, but enough to not get complacent. A little stress is good, too much is bad.

    As always, Louis CK conveys this stuff better and more primally than I can: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1epZXnss_I

  8. What if the guys who are well (and I mean well) below your league (as in you make your living from your looks, a good living at that, are educated, have broad interests and good friends and are socially well adjusted, he’s fat, 15+ years older, boring as hell, unemployed, a loner and pretty well obnoxious as well) but he’s trying to use you for sex? Just becsuse a guy has low market value doesn’t mean he doesn’t aspire to be a player.

    I know you don’t find anything good digging in the trash, but what happens where every place you look is full of these tossers and you never even get to meet anyone normal because the minute you walk in the door you’re set upon by creeps? How do you get rid of them (all of them, not one at a time, it takes all night) without looking like a bitch to onlookers? Tried online dating hoping to solve the problem that way but online is where they all go, the few decent profiles never turn out to be who they say they are or ehat they say they’re there for.

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