Maybe you would like to have a bunch of men at your disposal for sex and fun, but you can’t figure out how on earth you would get them to agree to it. Wouldn’t most men balk at the idea? Men aren’t exactly known for their propensity to “share” a woman. How does anybody manage to pull this off?
While most men probably wouldn’t like the idea of being a part of a female’s “harem,” it is still possible to get one going for yourself. It’s actually a lot easier than you may think. Let me share with you a few of my basic principles and how I make this work for me.
1. If you don’t have a commitment from a man, you are NOT obligated to be sexually and emotionally faithful to him. Far too many women assume the expectation to be his alone, when the man has not promised them anything. No ring on your finger? No promise from him not to see other women? You are SINGLE. You can do whatever the hell you want. He doesn’t own you or have any say in what you choose to do. Actually, the mere fact that he HASN’T taken any steps to ensure that you both are committed, means that he has some reservations about being so himself. Remember this.
2. Beware of saying too much. There is absolutely no reason to mention the other men in your life, unless he ASKS. Many men won’t ask. You know why? Because they are secretly happy you aren’t asking THEM questions. They’re thinking, “This is great, I can get away with seeing multiple women and this one won’t even bother me about it.”
3. You know what that means right? You DON’T ask too many questions. If he wants to tell you things about his personal life, great, but definitely don’t ask him if he’s sleeping with other women or what he is doing when you aren’t around. It doesn’t matter. Getting all involved in each other’s business is for committed relationships only, at least until someone is a good, solid, long term fuck buddy and you know you both can handle it. Discussing other people tends to provoke jealousy, in both men and women. Avoid the drama!
4. Avoid, if you can, adding him on social media. Unless he asks YOU, don’t Facebook friend request him. I don’t turn down guys who ask, because I’m not trying to hurt feelings, but the more guys you can keep off your friends list, the better. It’s just asking for trouble. Many men, again, are secretly happy you don’t ask them about it and won’t say a thing.
5. Be careful of what you put out there! If you tell all your girlfriends everything about who you are sleeping with, or make a public post every time something goes wrong, it’s all going to fall apart quickly. Discretion, discretion, discretion! Don’t complain about your man problems or brag about them to others. If you must, talk about it here, or on a relationship forum somewhere online, anonymously. Write in a journal, or hell, start a blog, like me! In real life you are going to have to be somewhat mysterious. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about everything else in your life, but be careful what you say about your men. Don’t kiss and tell.
6. What about when men do ask you about other men in your life? Be vague. Only share the minimal amount of information he asks about. Don’t offer to tell him more. Now, sometimes men will demand to know everything, and then you have to make a judgment call. Ask him questions, like “why do you want to know, are you wanting to make some kind of a commitment?” and take into account his response. If he ISN’T he will probably back down.
7. What if he DOES want a commitment? Well, then you are faced with a decision. You can agree, to BOTH drop any other involvements in your life, if that’s what you want. OR you can say “I don’t feel ready to be that serious yet”. If he tries to get you to commit to him, but he’s not making any promises to YOU, don’t fall for it. MANY men will do this “I don’t want you sleeping with any other men” for whatever reason they give, but refuse to make a promise to you. It’s a trap! Watch out!!
8. What about promises made during sex? They DON’T COUNT, lol. Anything said in bed is null and void if not promised outside of the bedroom. I say this because men will often try to manipulate that way. They know they don’t want to commit, and that you aren’t agreeing to anything, so they will make you say you won’t fuck anyone else, when they are inside of you. Agree to anything you want when things are hot and heavy in bed, but consider it fantasy.
9. I’ve had men say things like “we don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I just don’t want you sleeping with any other men” or “I don’t want to marry you, I just don’t want you fucking other guys”. Well, tough. If you don’t want a commitment, you don’t get one from me! That’s totally fair. I usually don’t argue, just blow it off without making a promise. You don’t have to lie, just don’t give your word.
10. Maybe this all sounds deceptive, but it’s really not. Men understand because this is how they operate. If they haven’t given a promise or their word, they don’t consider it “cheating”. You should never assume monogamy with someone who hasn’t made a verbal commitment. That is why weddings exist! People had to make a public promise for it to really mean anything, in a man’s world.
In short, the less they know the better. That doesn’t mean you are a liar, I really hope you are not. I try to operate honestly but within a “don’t ask, don’t tell” framework. I find it to be the easiest way to avoid drama and issues, because men are territorial creatures. If you reveal too much you risk anger, jealousy, and possessiveness. This way they know you aren’t committed and they may suspect, but they don’t have something concrete to get upset about. Plus if they do “catch” you, there is nothing they can do, you never promised them anything and they know it!
How do you get them to agree to be part of your harem? You don’t. They just have to deal, unless they make a real effort to secure a commitment from you. If feelings develop, that is possible, and then you will be free to make a choice as to whether that is what you want or if it is time to let them go.