10 Mistakes Women Need To Avoid After A Breakup

 

By Ash

ash

Breakups are difficult, and they often come with feelings of hurt, confusion, sadness and anger. These emotions can easily bring out our worst behavior that might seem like a good idea in the heat of the moment, but in reality result in unfavorable outcomes. This is exactly why it’s important for us to become aware of ourselves and avoid making reckless mistakes when a breakup occurs.

Are you guilty of any of the following?

Staying in contact with your ex.  After a breakup, you aren’t likely to go immediately into being just friends. There are still emotions circulating between the two of you that will make this impossible, so it’s best to just cut off all contact for a period of time. Delete his number from your phone and unfollow him on social media until you are, without a doubt, over him. The rule of no-contact cannot be ignored!

Going on a rebound. Women often think that the fastest way to get over one guy is to get under someone else. It’s a false quick fix for a larger problem that usually isn’t very effective anyway. Rebound relationships rarely work out in the long run. Not only do you need down time away for your ex, you also need some exclusive time for yourself, away from other men too. You need to refresh and recharge so you can actually become ready to see someone new.

Putting your ex on blast online.  Just don’t this, ever. It’s childish and tasteless. It starts unnecessary drama and you will likely regret it later on. The truth is, no one else really cares to read about it anyway. Grown women don’t air their dirty laundry online.

Stalking him on social media. If you want to prolong your pain and anguish over this guy, then checking his Facebook profile five times a day is a good way to go. If you want to get over him quickly and painlessly, then forget his Facebook profile even exists. Outta sight, outta mind.

Becoming bitter. Just because you went through one nasty breakup doesn’t mean all men are pigs. It doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist or love isn’t for you. It doesn’t mean you’ll never find a decent guy. There’s no reason to adopt a bitter mentality. It serves no benefits to you. If you fall down seven times, get up eight!

Idealizing the person who dumped you. When you break up, you might find yourself remembering only the good times and forgetting about his flaws. You place him on a pedestal where you think you need him in your life to be happy, and that being with anyone else just won’t do because no one has his unique personality, his witty sense of humor, or his charming smile. Nonsense. No matter how great you think he is, there is someone else just as awesome, if not better than him, that is waiting to meet you.

Blaming it all on yourself. Some women make a bad habit of taking all the blame for failed relationships. They fool themselves into thinking that they could have done something to change the outcome better in their favor. The faults in a relationship are usually a two way street. There’s no sense in beating yourself up.

Begging for reconsideration. There’s nothing that demonstrates low value than being a rejected woman who crawls back hoping for another chance. Your irrational thoughts might convince you that if he sees how badly you want him back, that he would realize he’s meant to be with you. This could never be less true. Begging him to take you back will only make you seem desperate and unattractive in his eyes. Have more respect for yourself!

Trying to get revenge. Maybe he cheated on you. Maybe he lied to you. Maybe he disrespected you. Whatever happened, it can become amusing to fantasize about getting your revenge on him, Carrie Underwood style. You start to feel like you can’t move on unless he pays in some way for what he did to you. However, it’s important to resist acting on this. I can’t stress this enough! It will only get you in trouble and make you look ridiculous. It’s true that the best revenge is living well. Turn your focus inward and away from him.

Comparing yourself to his new girlfriend. Whether you run into her in person or accidentally catch a glimpse of a photo of her and your ex together, there’s no reason to start thinking about how she compares and contrasts to you. It doesn’t matter. She’s not you and you aren’t her. You are two totally different people and nothing about him being with her means that she’s better than you. Don’t do that to yourself – you don’t deserve it. Be confident enough in who you are that you literally give no fucks about who she is in comparison to you.

~Ash

ash

7 comments

  1. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else… perhaps crude but highly effective advice! Or take up Crossfit or something- revenge body!

  2. I agree with all of your list.
    But would add do not blame the other woman. First she may be innocent and even if she is not it looks like you are suffering sour grapes.. Not attractive. And no I have never been the other woman.

  3. I like the idea of “revenge body”! but it made me think, we already like to take that many steps further and always stay in the best shape we can before, during and after any relationship.

    Regarding the stalking on social media – I’m so glad I am not on facebook or any of the others because I know I would be obsessed with checking pictures, seeing what other girls he had as friends on there and all of that kind of stuff; it would literally make me nutty. It might actually make you nuttier if you do this with a guy you are currently seeing. There were a couple of times where I asked my sister to login to her facebook account so that we could check out a guy’s page and after doing that a couple of times I was like, yah I cannot do this again or else I will go crazy; I don’t even want to know/see anything!

  4. I agree with most of these but not the first two.

    To me, “getting over” a breakup is simply a matter of re-wiring your mind because when a break-up happens, you are in intense withdrawal, just as if you’re a junkie and your heroin is taken away from you. Your brain is wired to associate this person with all kinds of good feelings and you need to rewire it. If you simply go no contact, you’re not really rewiring, your brain is going to keep associating your ex with “love, validation, security, sex” and whatever other good things you associate with him. So to me, if you keep hanging out and talking AS FRIENDS, then your brain can more quickly start to re-wire to associate him as “friend”, not “boyfriend”. Sure it is painful, but really not for that long, maybe a few weeks. Same as any quitting any other addictive habit. If you rewire successfully, you will find that within a few months you not only think of him as a boyfriend but you will find it hard to imagine that you EVER thought of him that way and it will start to seem weird and unappealing. But again, that will only happen if you are actively re-wiring your circuits. If you just go no contact then you’re putting your ex and all the boyfriend associations into a corner of your brain where they will remain, and then if you run into him and see him in 2 years he will jump back into your mind with all of those boyfriend associations just as strong as they were before.

    At least, that’s my experience. I had a boyfriend I just up and left and moved across the country and didn’t see or talk to him at all in the interim. And when I did see him again a few years later, everything was INSTANTLY back to how they felt at the breakup, as if nothing had changed and no time had passed. Whereas with people I transition to being active friends with, I can’t even believe I ever felt romantic towards them and can’t even slightly put myself back in that frame of mind because it’s just totally rewired in my head.

    This is why I also disagree about going on a rebound. Getting under someone new will speed up the re-wiring process substantially. Again, you’re re-wiring and redirecting your emotional and sexual energy. If you have no outlet for those things they will just remain focused on the ex.

    People often disagree with me on these things but I think that’s because they don’t actually WANT to get over someone. They want to preserve their feelings and “honor” the relationship and hold on. Which, if that’s the goal, then by all means cut a person of entirely and don’t rebound with someone new. But if you want to actually get over someone and no longer want them, you need to actively rewire just like you do with any addiction or change of habit. It’s only painful for a short while and after a few weeks you will feel completely different.

    I agree mostly with the rest of it, *especially* the revenge part. I would go even further and state that anyone who tries to get “revenge” on someone because their feelings changed is actively being evil and reprehensible. He didn’t break up with you to hurt you, he did it because his feelings changed and he’s not in control of those feelings. But getting revenge is actively and maliciously trying to hurt someone for your own gratification and that, IMO, is morally wrong as well as unlikely to make you feel better.

    Totally agree on not begging for reconsideration. This is the worst thing to do. Though it might be hard to resist in the “denial” phase when your brain is just trying to do anything to get back to where it was. This will not work, however, unless there is actually some fact that he is mistaken about. If not, then all you’re doing is potentially dragging out the inevitable.

  5. The post I just left has tons of typos and I can’t correct them all but did want to fix this sentence because my original reads as the opposite of what I meant to say: “If you rewire successfully, you will find that within a few months you’ll no longer think of him as a boyfriend but as just a friend, and you’ll even find it hard to imagine that you EVER thought of him that way and it will start to seem weird and unappealing and you will wonder how you were ever attracted to him.”

  6. @KryptoKate

    You are correct in that the “re-wire” is needed to no longer see them as a bf/gf but as a friend. Cutting off contact totally can actually INCREASE desire and attraction. It’s best to slowly rewire and meanwhile start seeing other people to direct the sexual energy towards. Or just stick with open relationships and you’ll always have others to direct that energy. Putting all your eggs in one basket is relationship suicide in many ways. SO goes “the one”, so goes your happiness.

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